Living and working with Anxiety and Depression. A personal battle with Mental ILL Health. Sunday 27th February 2022

 

WARNING.WILL INCLUDE ADULT CONTENT.

When someone travels this route I have found that we become more humble after each episode. As though grateful for another lesson learned.
I find myself needing to express my gratitude to anyone that has helped me through it once more.
Any individual who has shown understanding and kindness has shown an emotional connection that has helped in the recovery process.
Also many of us find that we cut people more slack than we once would have. Basically we learn the hard way to treat others as you wish to be treated yourself.
However I don't recommend everyone should go out and get themselves a mental breakdown in some way. But I do advocate a much greater awareness and mindfulness throughout society and business.

If someone has a visible injury or illness then quite correctly allowances are made when obstacles of any kind are in the way.
But when the illness is not visible it is altogether more difficult to deal with for all parties.

If a person chooses to disguise their true self to conform to everyone's expectations they will bring upon themselves even more Anxiety and Depression created by maintaining the illusion to all around them.
This also means that others are not officially aware of you illness and therefore either don't see it so don't make allowances OR choose NOT to see it and elect to ignore the signs and again NOT make allowances.
By being open and brutally honest about your mental health both at home and at work, then loved ones and employers can see what they are dealing with and respond in what is hoped the most helpful manner.

However if Mental Health illness was more acceptable in society there would be no need to hide sensitivities and cognitive pains.
So the levels of stress associated with the person and stoking the fires of their illness would be significantly reduced.
Also if this were the case, when the issues of the individual are being addressed the totally fucked up scramble of emotions and self doubt caused by society's requirements for us to keep quiet, would not have built such a callus of deflection over the deeper rooted issues that need to be addressed.

Then obviously the work required by the person and those they turn to for help would be more effectivly beneficial more quickly rather than the counselling relationship and any medication having to cut its way through the jungle of confusion and feelings of guilt.

Again I hasten to add that these observations are kept pretty brief. Two main  reasons... Firstly I try not to bore the hell out of anyone reading this stuff. And secondly I am conscious as well as guilty of the fact that too many words can switch people off.
..........

I have received a great response to my previous request for volunteers who are willing to speak to total strangers about all aspects of their life experiences. To date I have about six who have contacted me whilst others have voiced more than a passing interest.
As I've said this is on a slow burn because we have to get it correct first time. So please get in touch if you want in.
Julia and I will be meeting again soon to start adding flesh to the bones.

..........

After discussion with the love of my life we feel its probably time to bring up the elephant that's been in the room for the whole story.......

Mental ILL Health, Medication and Libido

For those who know us worry not, I do not intend giving you a little window into our sexlife. However if I'm going to be true to what I've set out to write here, then all issues need to be discussed in my entries and in the readers mind. This is how we beat stigma is it not?

So it would be fair to say that a common side effect of anti depressants is a decline in sexual desire or seen at its most judgemental...A failure to perform or of interest even. Regardless of gender.

This can have massive effects on relationships of all ages.
Depending upon how active the sexual chemistry in a relationship is.

Many, men especially, don't even realise that it can be a side effect and so when they begin to experience difficulties in this area and then it becomes more regular it plays games with their already troubled mind. Guilt. Failure. Loss. Anger. All awaken for some and if alcohol is also one of the ingredients things can spiral out of control.

Also there is the mindset of those who are aware of side effects and so will not entertain the idea of taking them.
However in this scenario one must remember that whilst in a depressive or anxious state our libido can and often will be effected by the lack of mental stimulation given to the thought process required for sex.

I suppose where I'm going with this and being a male I know we tend to have two brains. One for the world and one for sex. Sex. And more sex.
But if we can come to terms with what's happening to us first before worrying about none existent outcomes. We'd see a marathon and not a sprint.

It takes a very mutually attuned relationship but ultimately it's a choice. Do I want to regain my actual persona or live a torturous life of self blame and anger that can probably be traced back to not being able to perform the way we used to. This may be easier for me a 61 year old male as opposed to a 20-30 something person.
But sorry it's fact!

But my god once the medication and the counselling has bedded down to create a better headspace you can find that the only thing now not going the way you want it is this desire to regain your libido. Little blue pills obviously can help. But where there has become a disconnect between the mind and the act it can be distracting to say the least.

Now I would point out here that for many years I was in the camp of all those other blokes who believed that by not "completing the excercise" we had failed and something was wrong with us.
Whilst in actual fact.... Think about it is all I will say......'cos once your spent it's a while for your partner to get you back.......

Anyway moving swiftly on...there is an experimental crossroads that has to eventually be negotiated before moving on with everything not just our sexlife.

Alistair Campbell made a brilliant documentary about his battle with depression. And it was based around him trying to come off his medication.

This is the trial and error part of the whole experience.

Personally I am very happy with where my medication and therapies have got me to date. Especially compared to where I was a few weeks ago.
But yes the content of what I write here is an issue to me as it is to so many others.
And where I have confronted this previously I have simply reduced my medication by half and things have become tickety boo....

But this time there's a fear of reducing the meds.
Currently I'm pleased to say that I've gone from maxing out on all meds to now taking the occasional beta blocker but remaining on full Anti-depressant dosage.

But now I'm waiting for the right time where I'm confident enough to drop the dosage by half again. But if it doesn't work my headspace might / will become clouded again and I might slip back.

REMEMBER I SAID MARATHON AND NOT A SPRINT.

Then I start to ask myself when will I ever be off the bastard things forever..? But that's for another day. And I would refer you to the brilliant documentary I mentioned earlier.

I'm grateful to be in such a strong loving relationship where all else is secondary whilst my road to full recovery continues.

Once this was realised things became easier for me. We want me back as fully as possible but this time I ain't rushing it.

So yes some things once taken as givens become maybe's and I learn to place less pressure on myself.

Besides there's often more than one way to skin a cat......😊

.......

The men walk this week was a very special event. I will not go into any detail but those who were there really showed what it's all about as the common respect and brotherly love between a bunch of blokey blokes was astounding to say the least.

Those involved grew on Friday night. They developed something new and will now carry it within them forever.

There's a hell of a lot going on in the world at the moment and people of all cultures are learning new depths of solidarity and connection. Let's hope the worlds inhabitants learn and grow to.

But on Friday night the depth of wellbeing and positivity amongst a few local blokes in a corner of worcestershire was indescribable and was brought about by an individual being able to talk to new friends.

The good vibe that Men Walking And Talking generates needs to be bottled and distributed. If only..... But I am so proud to be one of you.

Be kind and play nicely folks.

Pete x