Living and working with Anxiety and Depression. A diary of someone battling Mental”ill" Health.

 So it's 11.30pm NYE. Today we had PCR tests and are now isolating pending.... I just want to repeat my gratitude to all those who have supported me and this blog. You all know the reasons for putting it together and I ask you for your continued support in 2022 where I have plans afoot. Have a great NYE and a healthy and prosperous New Year.  YOU ARE NEVER ALONE.  Peace and love Pete and Faith xx

I choose "currently" to see the fact that I'm writing about being a counsellor dealing with my own Mental Health issues, (see yesterday) as an indication that my days are becoming more normal. I'm engaging with more people. I'm making decisions. I'm putting myself into "everyday" situations. I feel more in control. This morning took me way out of my comfort zone as I found myself in a walled garden surrounded by forest helping a friend tidy up and prepare for the oncoming Spring. It may have only been a couple of hours but it felt good. Also given the date it really has been unseasonably mild. I took a call from a potentially new counselling client and my activities segued nicely into a visit to a Counselling friend half an hour away. It's been an enjoyable day with more goals ticked off on my list of recovery steps. However as we approach the end of the week I can feel that my imminent return to my day job, pending a conversation with my...

 The strange and possibly to some the inexplicable thing that occurred during this manifestation of my Achilles heel, was my ability to continue counselling clients throughout my episode.  For me to have turned and spoken to the fourth wall so openly has been and will now forever be a risk.  But it's one I'm glad to have taken. From the moment I started to commit my thoughts to written words I felt it was the right thing to do. There was no wrestling with my conscience. No doubting my reasons. I wanted to do something helpful for others as well as myself. And it was a golden opportunity to try to fight the stigma of Mental ILL Health. For years I've been a staunch advocate for victims of Mental Health issues to have a platform from which to talk openly. Especially in the workplace. So as soon as I got home on that day I knew I had an opportunity to make a difference.  But I wrote my first couple of entries and posted them in a combined mood of rage, fear and passion....

 ....... Well hello and I hope you are all enjoying and surviving the Christmas period. We're currently in betwixed week when no-one seems to know what to do or where to go unless they're at work. More importantly I sincerely hope that any readers who suffer have managed to get through it all without too much negative intervention. Using my personal experience as a kind of window on life for those who experience the ups and downs of Depression and Anxiety it's been a better few days than I was expecting. I am pleased to say. And although I am feeling more than a little anxious about my return to work in the next two weeks, I feel strong enough now to know that such fears no longer control me but that I am in charge now.  I know that after a couple of hours back in the workplace I will have found my routine and be doing my job again. A day I look forward to. Especially when once again I look back to where I found myself just a short time ago. However I'm not ready yet an...

 Today has gone well.  No real negativity and we are inching towards Christmas day ....  Had a normal kind of day followed by a very pleasant evening spent with our fantastic neighbours.  I went to bed feeling pretty much safe and secure for the first time in ages. To anyone who is finding these entries helpful or just interesting I wish you a very peaceful Christmas period and hope you can find some easier paths in the New Year. The support I'm receiving for these blogs and the encouragement I'm told they give to people is the feedback I was hoping for. And I ask as many of you as possible to connect with me in any of the ways available to offload, tell your story or just pass on comments. I am always grateful to receive them. I'm going to close down for a couple of days now so will be back around 27th. I wish all of you, whether I know you or not, the very best Christmas you can possibly have.  There are some exciting plans ahead for next year I just need to g...

 Whilst upbeat wouldn't be the correct word to describe me today, I am remaining in that more positive space I occupied yesterday. Christmas is just a few days away and it's still not really landed here for either of us. A word we use to describe how we feel would be ... Meh!  A colleague who has become more of a real friend recently pays a suprise visit to us. And I feel my batteries recharging just through someone checking in with me and chewing the cud for an hour or so... It really does make such a difference to someone who feels cut off from the norms of society. To have a different face and voice share their space is at times revitalising. It meant meant so much to me. Then we have a date to keep. We're going to see the person who has done more than anyone to keep me engaged and prevent me from giving up.  Again it's a good feeling to experience for me. A different environment, another voice and more chatting especially without spending too much time talking about...

 So today the more positive me has come to the fore. Which obviously is a good thing! He was there when I awoke and has stayed around most of the day thankfully. So seizing the opportunity we decided to take a festive trip to the nearby market town of Ludlow. It will make a change going over and not standing at my stall for eight hours. Instead we take a stroll around town and enjoy some lunch in one of our favourite pubs.  By way of painting on a smile I donned a Xmas bobble hat complete with flashing lights before leaving home.  God I feel a Pratt. But this time last year I was going to work dressed more festive than even this. I am not going to surrender my fun side without a fight. So as I walk around I eventually start to take the kind words of passers by with a smile. I've brightened up their day. So why not be pleased with myself? Today has been another of those days where for some reason my medication has knocked me about. I'm feeling physically tired as opposed t...

 If we take into account the lead up to my unfortunate meltdown and then add the eight weeks since, then I've been dealing with this episode for approximately three months now. And I'm tired now. Really flipping tired. In fact absolutely knackered. Both of us are. Just as any fellow sufferer will experience the fatigue associated with each day's dealings .  Waking at various times throughout the night. Eventually waking in daylight and working out what mood you're in and how to change it if needed. Taking medication. Living with the effects of medication. Constantly fighting the desire to sleep. Being short tempered. Being sad. Being a miserable git. Living with levels of anxiety way beyond the norm. Not finding joy in anything. Finding enjoyment and trying to keep hold of it. Feeling guilty. Feeling beaten. And many more sensations that I'm now getting fed up of listing..... I'm really sorry if this seems like a woe is me posting . Seriously it isn't meant ...

As I've previously written, it's important if possible for the person experiencing the episode to make a mental log of how their behaviours and processes play out each time. Do they repeat in the same manner each time and if so what are the pro's and con's? If they occur in different patterns thus triggering different thought processes, what is being learned each time? What makes them play out differently? These and many other questions need to be asked of themself if they are able to focus. At the start of this occurrence in my world back in October, I would not have been able to even consider how cognitive processes were playing out in my head.  But I soon convinced myself that I had a fight on my hands and had to be as mentally aware of myself and my environments as often as I could be. Therefore I've learned over the repeated ebb's and flow's of the last two months to manage the effect of attacks when they come. There's a flickering flame to protect....

 It's an early rise to set off to North Wales for Lilith's 2nd birthday . Due to my back pain my breakfast consists of two antidepressants, a beta blocker and two strong pain killers. The effect is that I'm drowsy before we leave home.   I'm still showing the negative effects of yesterday's proceedings in my snappiness so conversation is minimal even though Faith attempts on more than one occasion to lighten the journey. To continue to detail personal events of the day would be to focus on trivialities of us as a couple.  But I am highlighting the strains relationships go through when subjected to these sorts of external pressures triggered by anxiety and depression. Two people who mean the world to each other. One who tries to maintain a positive outlook even to their own detriment and the other who does not deal at all well with the intermittent loss of control that is occurring to them. The organic joy and happiness disappeares and gets replaced by two people wor...

 Really not a good day today.  This is how it happens.... Again. We're off to spend tomorrow with our beautiful grand daughter on her second birthday.  I need to get my shit together for our trip. It's somewhat concerning...   So many people are experiencing this stuff some not so badly others a lot worse than myself.... Please be there for them if you can..  If it's difficult to understand.. I or WE just ask you to try ..... Thanx Pete X

 In yesterday's post I tried to highlight the stresses and strains that Mental "ill" Health can bring to relationships. I will not proceed too far in the direction I was taking as I have to admit that I currently find it too personal and raw to disclose fully. However I think it necessary to shine a light on these areas as it's never just the individual who suffers. We as a loving couple of over thirty years are experiencing pressures brought on by anxiety and depression. And it's uncomfortable and very rare for us. But this is a common issue in many families and relationships. And any further reference to it will be in a general manner and not personalised. It's tough. Those if us experiencing it know it. Those who haven't please prepare for such things. So it's fair to say that although I'm aware of great improvements in my recovery I also know that things are a long way from being ok . Especially when as many couples know, if things aren't r...

 To reflect on these past couple of days tells me that levels of normality seem to be returning at last.  Instead of feeling safe and secure being at home I'm actually getting bored!  This is very good news.   When someone experiencing a recovery from a bout of severe anxiety and deep depression, begins to feel bored because they want to fill their day more actively it means they have started to desire more from life.  They feel able to take more on but find themselves briefly caught in-between the two states of mind. But instead of being afraid to move forward or feeling that it will be too much, suddenly they sense that forward motion is possible. The past two days have seen me arrive at this juncture.  The doubt and fear are suitably diminished to a point where they no longer have control. The sense of freedom is a much needed boost to the confidence of an individual who has spent weeks and months unable to look beyond their own front garden. Yester...

 Today got off to an absolutely wonderful start. I slept really well and woke up and was able to stretch without pain. Then getting out of bed I realised that I was in far less pain than last night. I went downstairs full of ideas and plans for not only the day ahead but the future.... Old me was back in the room.  I committed some of this to paper whilst I awaited a visit from another friend who has become a very special person to me. It was easy for me to once again converse with someone who was here because they cared and wanted to know I was on the mend. It was another important step for me. Talking openly and just being normal. But I still haven't gone anywhere alone. This I have to correct before some form of agoraphobia takes hold. The plans I'd set my mind on yesterday we're still ahead of me but when I returned to being on my own something came over me and I instantly knew that today was not going to be such a good day as it had promised. I'm still trying to wo...

 The kindness of yet another work colleague is helping rebuild my belief in human nature. The characters from a children's TV program I am buying for my granddaughter that I've not been able to collect have arrived here. This is because having embarrassingly explained to my colleague why I've not collected them she very kindly offered to bring them over .  Yes..... I know it's a cop out, but I'm extremely grateful, it has helped me in rebuilding my trust in human nature and they are now with us to be taken to Gogledd Cymru to make a two year old happy. It's wonderful to experience another act of kindness from someone and it was also good to see a fresh face and chat briefly. Other than this and the fact that whatever I've done to my back has become at times excruciatingly painful, thus preventing me from actually doing anything vaguely physical, today has been the kind of day that two weeks ago would have dragged me a long way down ... But I'm very pleas...

 It was a great start to my day to receive a text message from a friend at work asking if they could visit this morning.  Because of my current irrational fears of actually going anywhere and with Faith being in North Wales since yesterday I was staring at a day of enforced woodwork in the cold garage just to keep me occupied. Which is very much the wrong reason to be in there! So someone paying a visit. Giving up some of their time to sit and chat with a person who has cut themself off from circulation and conversation. This is just what the individual in this situation needs. No matter how hard it is for them. The fact that someone wants to see them. To check in with them. Means the world.  And the visit itself was a pleasure. An hour or so of me trying to get back to being me. Laughing, chatting, complaining, listening to the cud being chewed. Thank you it was enjoyable and relaxing. Once visiting time was over I consigned myself to the garage once more. Where I am now...

 Life seems to be "falling in line" at last. I know there are things still to be challenged and that I need to employ Cognitive Behaviour Therapy to move further forward. But for the record.... Yes life feels normal "ish" for now.  I still have not been to the home of a work colleague to collect the toys I'm buying for our grand daughter. Neither have I been to have my hearing aids repaired.  Both of these would not be considered as "tasks" if I were fully recovered. But like the irrational fear that developed around the doctors call, I feel a fearful anxiety building in me at the thought of doing either of these things on my own. But I really have to..... Part of the issue surrounding this problem I think is a fear of being judged.   Going to the home of a colleague.  What will they think of me?  There's nothing visible to indicate I'm ill. How am I supposed to look?  Going to Kidderminster for my hearing aids. What if someone sees me out and ...

 I received a scheduled call from my doctor this morning. That's all it was . Just a check in and review regarding my health and possible return to work or not. But my anxiety levels have been rising since yesterday at the thought of the call. For totally irrational reasons it has taken on a big threatening life of its own. That's anxiety. Now, last time I spoke to him I confidently accepted the "sick note"  commenting that it would be doubtful I'd need the full four weeks he'd given me and that I'd probably be on a phased return to work by then. This morning in our open and honest conversation it felt a little embarrassing for me to explain how things hadn't gone to plan and ask for more time away from the day job. But in the cold light of day that's the fact of it and I need to ensure I use the time to repair. However, this didn't get off to a very good start as I remained in my chair reflecting on my "failure" to achieve my goal of...

 After all my hyperbole of yesterday it would appear that my concerns were justified.... Yes I managed to go for petrol and went to collect my prescription although that has been lost in their system so I need to return tomorrow. But that was it..  The rest of the day passed by in a pleasantly chilled vibe. Strangely for some reason I fell into a relaxed mood where for the most part I sat in a chair and either read a book or dozed off. Also something was starting to shift in me and I started to write down plans for not only the near future but further ahead. Plans that not only include returning to postie work but ways in which this whole battle against the Stigma of mental ill health can be continued once I'm back to full strength.  If I'd been sat doing nothing but stare through the window, then today would have been a dangerously dark day and a waste of time. But my mind has become alive once more. I spent time doing something I've been unable to do for weeks. Look to ...

 Warning.... May contain upbeat and positive observations. For a change! Today feels as though it's the nearest I've had to what would be considered normal since I fell on October 20th. Admittedly I've been in the world of wood most of the day. But I've not felt any real pull towards the sad or morose side of my personality. So another first for me as I continue my climb out of the misery I've been in for so long. But as I've explained before this is not a time to celebrate and jump back into the world. It isn't a broken limb that now is fully functional and with some physical aftercare will be strong again. I have been taking tiny steps in a very slow process of recovery. At the moment my mind is telling me that I'm feeling easier with myself and less under threat. This has led to a small but essential increase in my confidence. Which means I can now consider more demanding challenges. Little by little.  I still haven't been able to leave the house ...

 As we have already seen on a few occasions over the past few weeks, the journey out of the dark place is a path littered with potholes. And it's very easy to stumble into them when you can't see the way ahead clearly enough. Those of us who battle with anxiety and depression know the routine only too well. And try to prepare ourselves best we can each time based on the lessons learned from previous episodes.  But we still never quite manage it without picking up some new scars along the way. So when a dip of the magnitude of yesterday occurs you are left fearing yet another "failed" escape attempt.... But I'm relieved to say that I won this time. Which is actually a very important victory at a crucial time in my recovery. Another set back on this journey out, I think would have dealt more than a crushing blow to my determination. My will has been tested too many times in such a short time span. It's been a new experience for me fighting a seemingly continuous...

 Today has been rough... Very... In fact too raw and personal to write about. I try to write openly and honestly in these blogs and will continue to do so. But in the interests of privacy and confidentiality of others today cannot be included and I'm not going to start making up stuff to fill gaps.  It's been a difficult day but we'll be back tomorrow. My only question is how is it that those who inflict the wounds get to walk free. And those of us who carry the wounds suffer. Bye for now  and please just play nicely together.... Pete x

 I've been writing a lot about the need to "proceed with great caution" when trying to get back to some kind of normality. And today has been a good example of why. Once again I've had a couple of days where I've started to feel that confidence and self belief are returning. It was another restless night that saw me wide awake and downstairs by 4am. And I already felt uneasy and "under pressure" for no apparent reason. I read. I routinely scroll through my bloody phone. I listen to an audio book. And again I find some sleep in the armchair. But it's not anything like quality sleep. And I eventually take myself back to bed about 7am .  I'm awakened when Faith gets up and still feel that unpleasant sense of impending doom I had in the small hours. I accept that today is going to be a day where for no apparent reason my anxiety levels are going to make the day unpleasant. I hate being referred to as "fragile" . But I suppose it's apt s...

 Today I realised that I'm missing people. Conversation and general chat. Which I'm choosing to see as very much a positive thing. When we close down to the world as I have recently done. It's out of self protection and preservation. You want as little contact with anything or anyone from outside of your newly furnished bubble. This is now your cocoon for the foreseeable future.  In whichever manner you choose to live your life whilst going through rehab from the many issues labelled Anxiety and Depression, this bubble is your safe place. And because you have designed and built it to suit your exact requirements, then any unexpected intrusion can and will create varying levels of panic to you. This bubble is our own Mental intensive care unit. And we will protect it as best we can. At all times. Hence we often find it difficult to sleep or relax. Our behaviour and conversation with those who do make it through to us, may seem strange or just not making sense at times. Sorry...

When those of us who live with these disorders get to this juncture in our "journey" it can be a bit like watching a small bird in the garden. Their head never seems to stop checking around them. As if a million traps have been laid between them and the food lying on the garden. Then tentatively they will decide to make a move towards but not directly to the target. Then once in a new position they repeat the process again. And again. Until they reach the food. Once there one of two things occur. Either they spend time feasting whilst constantly checking around them. Or they will take a morsel or two very quickly and fly off. Only to return and go through the whole pattern of behaviour again. It's about survival and security. I have now ebbed and flowed more times than I can currently recall. And while I am extremely grateful that "so far" I have not slipped back to where I found myself in 2017/18 , I have never experienced such up and down mood swings ...

 I obviously write these entries at the end of the day or usually in the early hours of the next due to being awake anyway. So I can honestly say that today has been remarkable in a number of ways.  I write this reflecting on a day that has seen me reconnect again.  Something or something's have slotted into place today and I am feeling tentatively stronger and less beaten. At this point I should also "confess" that three days ago I decided to reduce my medication in an effort to "take back control".. The effects of this little experiment are in previous entries for your amusement. Yesterday (30th) I went back on to my higher dosage. And combined with  some good events today I am thankfully feeling the improvements. And it's a flippin'relief. So what occurred today?.... Firstly our daughter video called us along with our grand daughter Lilith who is two this month. Faith takes the call and I hear Lilith's cute voice asking for me..and I immediately s...