Living and working with anxiety and depression 20th December 2021 Day 61 The one where I am tired....

 If we take into account the lead up to my unfortunate meltdown and then add the eight weeks since, then I've been dealing with this episode for approximately three months now. And I'm tired now. Really flipping tired. In fact absolutely knackered. Both of us are. Just as any fellow sufferer will experience the fatigue associated with each day's dealings . 

Waking at various times throughout the night.

Eventually waking in daylight and working out what mood you're in and how to change it if needed.

Taking medication.

Living with the effects of medication.

Constantly fighting the desire to sleep.

Being short tempered.

Being sad.

Being a miserable git.

Living with levels of anxiety way beyond the norm.

Not finding joy in anything.

Finding enjoyment and trying to keep hold of it.

Feeling guilty.

Feeling beaten.


And many more sensations that I'm now getting fed up of listing.....


I'm really sorry if this seems like a woe is me posting . Seriously it isn't meant that way and there can be lighter times amongst the dark. 

But it's the every day whirlpool of emotion that anxiety and depression brings into your life. 

And when you sit back and think to yourself..... "Well what else can I do? I'm on medication...... I'm using tools available to me.... I'm planning ahead..... I'm fighting every day...... I'm seeing a Counsellor...... I'm keeping my mind and body active." 

We do all this and more... And yet somehow we still find ourselves on the bottom rope and struggling to engage with people and situations.


Me... In my personal situation... I've really had enough now. It seems that every time I feel some form of improvement some kind of self destruct mechanism is activated somewhere inside me. And back down I go.


My anxiety has never been such a constant problem for me. And that in itself wares a person down. 


The whole thing sometimes stops being a monster because you've become so used to being such an unpleasant morose bastard to begin with.


Look , reading this entry back I see it as probably the most negative one I've written. And I am truly sorry. But I promised from the very start to be open and honest to convey the full experience of living with Mental ill Health in order to spread awareness. 


Well sometimes it's gonna be like this. Sorry but it's a fact....


If you've made it this far I not only thank you. I commend you for your commitment to the task in hand.


I promise I / we are trying My / our damnedest. Some days it's just not enough though.


Take care of each other. And be kind.


Pete x









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