Living and working with Anxiety and Depression. A diary of someone battling Mental”ill" Health.

It's been an enjoyable couple of days spent mostly in the company of our beautiful grand daughter.  Faith and I have just had a conversation about whether my improved and upbeat persona is likely to continue. Answer...... I don't know.  Five times I've plummeted to earth after thinking things were improving in the past few months.  And when a pyrrhic victory is won the cost counting is painful. Maybe it's this fact that drags us back down. If we're unprepared for the losses because we've immersed ourselves in the adulation of winning our experiences can take us back.  It's a valid consideration.  We jump from the good ship misery to HMS Happiness without taking stock first. And without all due care and accountability settle into our new happy place still holding onto unanswered thoughts and fears. For me, this time the ledgers need to balance before I move on with a confident stride.  The dead weights must be written off. The unpaid debts of conscience need...

 COURAGE.  RESPECT. SUPPORT. SELF AWARENESS....AND.... MORE COURAGE.... Highs and lows. This week has had them all with little break in-between. I'm sitting here tonight having almost lost the plot at the start of the week to feeling a sense of control back in my life. Meeting up with Men's Walk and Talk a week ago and again tonight has brought a new perspective to my life. A collection of men who just seem to bond without effort because they share a common thread.  Chatting and walking in a totally none judgemental environment where absolutely nothing is off the table when it comes to subject matter. It's revitalising to say the least.  Thanks each and every one of you! To managers, Union reps and colleagues at the Day Job who have shown respect and understanding towards me. You have either reached out or just let me be. This new quiet me. Sorry if I appear distant but it's how I am now. But to all of you thanks. To those close to me who saw me at my worst and picke...

APOLOGIES FOR LANGUAGE. The feelings I'm experiencing are telling me that depression is well and truly back. The equation kicked in once more. X is Depression then A & B are Anxiety & Loneliness  therefore A+B = X. I cannot fucking shake it for god's sake! Three months I've been fighting this with everything I have and whenever I think I've got the bastard pinned down for the kill I drop my guard or something happens. Faith came home today from granny duty in Wales, worried sick that I might've done something to myself this time. It was great to have her home after three days on my own. But my misery prevented me from being happy. Three bloody months of emotional rollercoaster rides. I am really worn out now. Work beckons in less than thirty-one hours and where has my recovery got me? A+B=X it's tiring to live with every day. Thinking that the next day might be easier but now I've even stopped thinking that. And you tell yourself there are pe...

Things came a little close for comfort over the past couple of days. On Tuesday I received a call from work. Now let's just recall... I've had almost a week of feeling upbeat, positive and looking forward to returning to work next week after all the hard work.. The opening words from my caller... To paraphrase.... The office is struggling and your needed back asap! In the interests of keeping things Christmassy I've deleted my original next two paragraphs. And will just say that at no point was I asked how I or my wife are or anything about my illness or the past three months. However the result of this communication is that I am once again living on my nerves, doubting the validity of my very reasons for my breakdown, and feeling that all the work that has been done to get back has meant nothing to the employer.  I am feeling very much alone again.   And those who suffer will know what that can be like. Fortunately I have a residue of strength I've built up, that after...

 It scares the crap out of me to think it.... But.... I seem to be on quite a positive roll currently.  The good feeling I was experiencing at the end of last week is still with me. I still feel a desire rather than a dread of returning to the Day Job. I've been very busy in the Woodshed. And I'm reaquainting myself with Bob Dylan and Joni Mitchell songs. In fact over the past few weeks Bob has been on at some point almost every day! So what's happening? I do not profess to understand the intracasies of the computations of the brain. But there's some good shit going around at long last and it's making me happier than I have been. For now I'll take that..... Thank you. I'm only too aware that in the last three months I've hit peaks and troughs of moods and emotions. Sometimes almost to the point of Bi-Polar behaviour.  But my visit to the office a week ago and the honesty with which I was respected really seems to have lit a fire in me. I'm very grate...

 Doctor has signed me off until the end of January. But with the continued support I'm receiving I feel sure that I'll be back in the Day Job before then. I've talked a lot about returning to the postal job and I sincerely hope this is my last Sick note.  But how has this effected me as a Counsellor and Psychotherapist as well as a person? To be totally honest it's caused me a hell of a lot of self reflection as well as professional reflection.  It's one thing to wake every morning with a negative voice telling yourself that you're a fraud for not going to work.  It's another to battle with those thought processes, overcome them and turn your mind to the lives of the clients who exist in your head at all times. Their issues. Their worries. Their battles. The vulnerabilities each of them have that you as their Counsellor will confront with them and walk with them to their new life. To a counsellor, a client isn't just someone who comes to mind for an hour...

 Yesterday I had a meeting. A meeting with my workplace management to begin discussing my return to work. I was assured that I have nothing to fear. It's just a first step. Everyone wants me back asap. But I was still absolutely bricking it! You see people can say a million times that they want to see you back and that they wish you well. But do they understand? Do they have the slightest idea of the cold dark place I am operating from? Or how it effects my behaviour? I'd rehearsed so many times all I want to say ... My fears. The three months my life has been on hold. The feelings I went through on that day. The fact that I feel worse than useless with regards to my day job now.  But it still came out of my mouth in a confused jumble of an explanation.  I'd committed to returning in six days time but being honest this is not likely.  So I needed to confess this as well. ........... The patience and understanding being offered to me by my employer is truly amazing. A...

  The anxiety attacks I'm going through over the past few days may not be as debilitating and destructive as we can experience them but Jeeeeeez they are constant and tiring. Yesterday continued to build on its previous few days. I'm taking full dosage of my anxiety pills and if they are doing anything then I'm not particularly aware of it. The cause of my raised anxiety is, as I've described, my approaching return to the Day Job. Back in October I started losing grip because I was very afraid that changes in the workplace were going have enough of an effect on me psychologically that I would fall back to where I had been "in my head" four years previously. That period of my life proved such a life changing and  frightening experience it has left it's indelible mark upon my psyche forever more. But when things like that revisit you then you have noone in the workplace to actually talk to about it. So it gets suppressed and grows into something with mor...

 OK I am making some changes as of today. It maybe a sign of improvement. I'm not sure. But from now on I'll be updating the blog 2 - 3 times a week and not every day. It dawned on me that I am being driven by some kind of OCD symptom to ensure that every day is accounted for.  And I'm really not that interesting. I'm really sorry for the intrusion. So as I seem to, for the most part, be continuing my improvement I am having less daily personal experiences to write about.  However any fluctuation in this situation will obviously be reflected in the frequency of my entries. And please still continue to send me your questions, stories and comments. ......... Please be aware that I have only been observing my processes with regards to my more current issues.  Like most other people who experience Mental ill Health in their lives. I have rusty old hooks in my shoulders with lines going back decades. And these can sometimes shake my foundations or just put a shot across m...

 A home where two people are going through the trials and tribulations of depression is not a good place to be. It's like being blind folded in the middle of a minefield with punji pits around the outside. It's one thing that Faith has put up with me being around her for 74 days so far.  Another thing is that we are both treading on eggshells most of the time so as not to upset the other.  But it really is a bummer when you start snapping at each other over the most innocuous of things.  As my issues seem to improve each day I feel like I'm pulling into the fast lane while Faith is still checking her wobbly mirrors on the inside lane. So I wrongly expect everything to be moving at my pace and to my plans.  When they don't I seem to forget my role and it's responsibility within our little bubble. With a single ill chosen word it's possible for me to reduce my dear wife to tears.  Then as the cycle begins I am angry with myself for my failure to see the dynam...

  It's been a quiet day that we've both rather guiltily enjoyed. In fact it's done us some good although a sense of boredom did hover around us for a short time. Days like today could previously have been bad news. A day spent reflecting trying not to fall into that same trap that welcomes the onset of depression is where I have been before. But today my attitude is more productive than it has been of late and from the moment I wake I know I'm going to be tested today because we're still isolating and so even if we had plans we can't do anything. I'd been up in the early hours, which has become a regular thing I must address. So when I woke in bed to see it was 10.30 am I was surprised. Currently Faith would sleep through an earthquake anytime night or day. Which is mostly attributable to the amount of worry she carries. So it's gone 11am when we are actually up. But we chose to actually give ourselves a lazy day. So didn't dress other than in o...

 A new year has begun and it seems to have crept in like an expected trip to the dentist rather than be announced as a bright opportunity for the future. With the mutating viruses again taking a hold of our every day lives. And various predictions being whispered or occasionally actually stated. Life just seems to be rumbling forward into another year of unknown restrictions and outcomes. This isn't the view of a depressive anxious person (me). This is the general consensus it would appear. Me? Well......The coming year has some exciting events and opportunities awaiting me and those around me. I can say this because "currently" I'm feeling more prone to seeing the positives in my life. Something I know that I could not have done a few short weeks ago. I am definitely on the up. Yes... I'm worried that my current positive demeanor could take another hit and send me towards the canvas for a fourth time but this time I'm also aware that I have more about me. I f...