Living and working with Anxiety and Depression. A persons battle with Mental ILL Health. Wednesday 12th January 2022

 Yesterday I had a meeting. A meeting with my workplace management to begin discussing my return to work. I was assured that I have nothing to fear. It's just a first step. Everyone wants me back asap. But I was still absolutely bricking it!

You see people can say a million times that they want to see you back and that they wish you well. But do they understand? Do they have the slightest idea of the cold dark place I am operating from? Or how it effects my behaviour?

I'd rehearsed so many times all I want to say ... My fears. The three months my life has been on hold. The feelings I went through on that day. The fact that I feel worse than useless with regards to my day job now. 

But it still came out of my mouth in a confused jumble of an explanation. 

I'd committed to returning in six days time but being honest this is not likely.  So I needed to confess this as well.

...........

The patience and understanding being offered to me by my employer is truly amazing. And indicates without doubt a seismic shift in the way the business has modernised it's view and approach towards Mental Health in the workplace. 

Crossing the threshold and entering the building I witnessed the damage that the current pandemic levels are inflicting upon the working practices of my colleagues whilst I've been off. 

I'm probably not permitted to comment in detail on this but suffice to say. I am proud of what they are managing to carry out on a daily basis.

However on a more personal level, the visit was a mix of emotions. And I found it a difficult time to face up to. But thanks to those who were there to assist I was able to take some positive steps. Also once I'd returned home and done me some thinking I realised a few things. 

Firstly and most importantly I have been made aware that my hoped return within a week would be too soon given what I would be returning to and my current ability to be a part of it.

Secondly my visit proves that if open and honest discussion around Mental ill Health is encouraged the rehab process is made that bit easier and shorter.

My return has now been delayed by what I'd estimate as approximately another ten days but I know that every possible step is being taken to ensure a smooth return for me.

........ I was asked today....."Pete. If you were your client. What would you do to get them back to work?" .... 

This has been the crux of my constant internal dialogues every bloody day I answered. I've thought this very question through so often that it now hurts. 

For some inexplicable reason the very logic I would visit upon a deserving and respected client seems to escape me when turned on myself. And from my experience this is a common issue with many fellow Counsellors and Psychotherapists. ....."Physician heal thyself".

.............

The sense of security that I now feel having discussed my situation with managers and colleagues has made a big difference to my mindset. 

I sense no judgement or betrayal from those who matter. Only a healthy desire to assist me back into my work.

THANK YOU!

.............

And then we have today. 

It's been a bit of a special day. 

Starting with a visit from a work colleague and their lovely eighteen month old son to "chew the cud" and have a cuppa. It was great to have a visitor. Especially a workmate, and one who has experienced this world I'm currently in. The hour or so spent together was a joy as well as awakening.

Then this afternoon I had a counselling supervision session. These are monthly meetings between a counsellor/psychotherapist and their Supervisor where caseloads and approaches to working with clients are discussed. 

They are as confidential as they can be and no names, details or where possible even genders are discussed. 

So please if anyone reading this ever seek a counsellor always be sure to ask two questions. 1. Are you insured? 2. Do you receive regular supervision?

Generally a supervision session will last 90minutes plus. And ensures the continued ethical and moral adherence of the counsellor are explored regularly.

Then as if these two events weren't enough this evening an amazing lady who has been in my life for nearly thirty years on and off since I knew her as a twenty something hockey player and I was her coach sat with us for a lot longer than expected to discuss the ideas we have for the coming year and the battle against stigma. This was refreshing and very exciting. Also a cause of reflection when Faith and I consider just how long we've both known her. 

......

Recent days have been bloody tough not just for me but my wife. We're both fighting the black dog and anxiety again. But we are winning!

It's just hard going at the moment but we have each other. 

And days like these past two are very important in the return to whatever normality the individual needs to regain.

I am eternally grateful to those who have been in my bubble over the past two days. You have stretched my boundaries and made my darkened narrow vision expand. Thank you.

Be good and be kind.

Pete x