Living and working with Anxiety and Depression. A diary of someone battling Mental”ill" Health.

 I just want everything to stop. I want the world to stop so I can just get off.  I'm growing exasperated with the ebb and flow of this illness. There's NO other way of putting it and it's just no good trying to hide it. Today has been a very black old day. The kind of day that on two occasions already I've hoped I'd not feel again. I'd spent the night on the settee. Not due to anything unpleasant, it's just I've said that if I'm interrupting Faith's sleep then it should be me that goes downstairs not her. So that very scenario played out resulting in me crashing on the sofa about midnight and waiting for sleep to overpower my busy mind once again. I wake when she comes down ready for work and I slope off to bed without saying anything. I'm feeling dark and heavy. I tell myself that I really don't want to consider my thoughts just yet. I just need to get in bed and try to recapture the sleep I've just lost contact with. I can already ...

 I left you at Friday evening having chosen not to challenge myself to mix with people and dealing with the irrational effects of a voicemail. It's now Sunday night so I'll try to retrace my steps over the weekend. Saturday passed by slowly with the highlight being a ten minute drive to Kidderminster for my Covid booster jab.... Not even this could I bring myself to do on my own. So I made suggestions to Faith that while I was there did she want to go anywhere...etc... She knew I wanted her with me . So she played along keeping me happy and spent an hour freezing walking the Arctic wastes of Kidderminster town centre while I queued and sat in a warm health centre. We return home and spend the evening like many over the past few weeks. Too quiet and lethargic.  Storm Arwen is wreaking havoc across the country. In North Wales our daughter has lost a large part of the roof and we are getting pictures and videos of the devastating effects it's having on Ludlow medieval fayre wh...

 Up and down day today. Some nice moments. Some sad ones. And some scary ones. In the interests of respect and confidentiality I  cannot include their details in my blog for today. It really would not be right. Such is the nature of their happening and their source.  One built a new friendship. One has inadvertently set off irrational fears and set me back some way. One I can speak of tells me I have unfinished business with loss. I've realised today that the loss of my sister earlier this year still visits me every day. Not in a miserable threatening way. But in a reflective and mindful manner. Somehow I just hadn't taken account of the regularity of the visiting memories.  So I now ask myself as the last one of my birth family. Am I holding on to any unfinished business regarding those I've lost. In order. Mother. Father. Brother and this year sister. Because when I reflect on her then memories and questions rush in from so many years ago. And in all honesty I've n...

Last night was another bad night as you may have read in yesterday's post. When someone battles with anxiety and depression natural sleep can be hard to come by. So to manage to find slumber at night only for it to be disturbed by repetitive coughing is rubbing salt into the wound. Having got up around 3am I found myself going back to bed about 8am. These staggered visits to sleep are restful but not necessarily a good thing. Your body clock is totally messed up and you become out of balance. I woke again around 10am and immediately realised my head was not in a positive place. Lethargy and negativity had got in whilst I'd lapsed my concentration. "Shit!"..... "I can't do this" My internal dialogue began to kick in. It feels like lying in treacle when heavy with depression. Every move in bed seems to have weight attached to it. The comfort of the duvet can actually feel restricting. When you wake in this state you cannot capitulate. Thoughts HA...

 It's 3.30am "tomorrow” as I sit writing up today's entry. This damn cough I've had for ages now has once again interrupted our sleep. So I find myself downstairs, wide awake and thinking. Over thinking maybe. How was my day?..... I definitely felt the shadow of black dog probing me . It hung around me all day in the near distance. I could sense it trying to find a way in.  Like plugging leaks in a sea wall, I spent the day in my head checking each of my vulnerabilities. Adding reinforcement where needed. Reassuring myself at each check point that I am able to be rational remain logical and not slip up allowing my already active depression to swell into a flood of negative emotions. It's been a day where for the most part my mind has been back at the workplace. Back at the scene of events that brought me here. And my wife has been fully aware. Checking on me repeatedly. Her face showing the strain of living with someone like this. She's tired with worry. I some...

 Firstly I need to add a massive Thank you to yesterday's list that I forgot. And that is to express my gratitude to my employer who are showing that change is happening however restricted it may appear to be. But ten years ago anyone going through this stuff would not have been given the support and encouragement that I have received in the past four years. THANK YOU!....... I have to admit that today has been another flat day.... And to use my previous analogy... The longer I stay on the platform without grabbing the next ladder the less secure it becomes.... So what's making it so bloody difficult to keep pushing on? The longer I hang around here the more vulnerable I begin to feel. What has happened in the past two days or so to cause my healing process to stall? I'm not falling back...not yet..... But my instincts are awakening telling me to be aware and prepare to fight again. Over the past couple of days I allowed myself to consider my return to the workplace. The bu...

 You know when you look up at scaffolding on the outside of a building and the ladders go up a level at a time with a short walk on the flat platform between each set of ladders? Well today has been that short walk I think . I know I'm travelling in the right direction but I've had a few good days now and today I didn't experience any sensations from either the black or white of me. The day just passed as nothing remarkable.  Now here lies a danger.... When someone is trying to get back from depression, anxiety and whatever else traps our mind in that dark place, they can ,like I have recently, go through a run of days so positive that they are feeling euphoric and over confident. A bit like someone who believes their own hype.  Then when they hit a day where they experience no notable signs of improvement to reaffirm their hopes things can begin to slide backwards again... This is the reason those of us who travel this path don't allow ourselves to celebrate the plus...

 Ok at least for now the mists are clearing I think... And for the first time in over a month I feel able to reflect on what the hell has happened to me. And if you've been reading this throughout you'll know that by ME I actually mean anyone who is either also suffering, has suffered or may one day suffer with issues around their own Mental Health. This current episode I'm experiencing has triggers applicable to my personal anxiety and depression . But countless people have countless triggers of their own to deal with which cause them varying degrees of discomfort and ill health. The very words ANXIETY & DEPRESSION have become labels. They form brackets in which we can be put in order to explain behaviour patterns, absence from work, changes in mood and many more idiosyncrasies in someone.  Each of the words are merely labels for hundreds of combined symptoms. If someone says they have stress. Then what is stress? Can you see it? Can you collect it in a bucket?... Obvi...

  Yes!! .... I think things are actually improving..... Even after a really poor nights sleep due to a chesty cough I have where I got up at 1.15am and spent the night downstairs. So though I'm entering the day knackered already I'm aware that this hasn't given way to the usual despondency and negativity. In fact I'm feeling quite the opposite. And this feels GOOD! I'm also aware of just how nearby the dark feelings remain in orbit to me. Just waiting. Probing. I've learned at my cost that a moment of hesitation, a single doubtful thought and I land on a snake instead of a ladder. So in my tiredness I also realise that it's going to be imperative for me to keep my head up and push on. Which will take some doing. But mentally I'm feeling the will to improve. I feel stronger and more prepared for the fight I've been having recently. Again I dress in woodworking clothes. I do a bit of admin and have a cuppa. And into the Theatre of woody dreams I go...

 These events are how I am experiencing an episode of Mental ILL Health in my life. But far too many people suffer in so many ways in silence. I want this blog to help people going through similar times.  It isn't YOU!  It's society that has had it wrong all this time.  You are not weak because of your health. You are brave and strong to even function in any way....... I am relieved to say today went quite well again. A struggle to get going again but once engaged in something creative I had no major dark spells. I just need to keep the momentum up.  My Alter ego of Crafty Pete's Woodshed sustained me from 11am to 7.30pm today. I even took a short trip out to a customer. Alone! Yes ... !  This is progress . I even listened to music, whistled, sang and joked a little.  But I have a new fear growing in my mind. I've managed to get this far before and it disappeared almost in an instant because I bit off too much.  I get wrapped up sometimes in the f...

 Today has been a hell of a turn around. Something in me found an open door and pushed through it.  I went through the same steps as yesterday. But Faith had gone to work. Meaning I was on my own. Being alone yesterday morning was my defeat. It led to a whole day of little or no movement and the realisation that depression had control of me again. I've been like a lost puppy for days literally holding on to her for security at times. So being alone is currently a huge challenge for me..... I  fought the easy option to stay in bed. I told myself that today was going to be positive.  Got up.  Washed  And dressed in clothes ready for woodworking.  I then made the mistake of sitting down with a coffee which brought with it the desire to just sit and vegetate again. I even started dwelling in that place for a while. I had started repeating the dance steps of the past few days..  Not good.... But something was different .  I wanted to be creative. ...

 I had plans for today.  To be positive. To be strong. Depression has finally arrived. Now it appears I was wrong..... Those who have done this to me Unintended and unashamed. Is it fair that you live your lives Without guilt of being blamed? ....... Be good... Pete x

 We'd had a short walk along the sea front at Rhyl and enjoyed a coffee whilst looking out at the wind farm between Llandudno and Liverpool. Faith is feeling the weight of me today and has shed a few tears already.  We were supposed to go for breakfast but I just couldn't deal with it.. The journey home is as quiet and none conversational as the journey up. I spend the whole time trying to defeat oncoming sense of depression.  I'd love to make an upbeat I'm doing bloody great posting. But I've promised to stay real and this is it folks.... Apologies if it gets boring or difficult to read. But stay with it ... I might win .... Just..... You know.... Pete x

 Today was always going to be pretty special..Any days spent with grand children always are for any Grand parents. Throughout the day I feel my negative persona trying it's hardest to step in and spoil the day. And yes its presence was self evident on a number of occasions. But what a lovely day we three had. Puddles, stones, leaves, dogs and the beach. Living almost next to the sea with amazing loving parents together with four inhereted sisters means our grand daughters life is already something other kids can only dream of. And she's already a thoughtful but forceful character.  We are knackered by late afternoon when mum and dad get home. Especially Faith who has done all of the running around.  I've slipped in and out of the day's proceedings and feel really guilty for it... Before evening sets in we adjourn to the Travelodge that we have booked for tonight. As a treat we enjoy a very relaxing time at the best Italian restaurant we've ever found.  First and for...

 We're going to our daughters family in North Wales for a couple of days today. Our grand daughter is nearly two and an absolute dream to be with whenever we're able. Once again I should be filled with joy at our upcoming journey. But I'm flat! And that in turn makes me sad as well as very confused and Faith is therefore now worried.  When those of us are in this poisonous place we often find ourselves hurting those so close. But we really have very little control over our reactions and moods. It really bloody stinks! And I'm so sorry for my lack of engagement. It causes me to hate myself.. The journey North is a very quiet one with few words exchanged and me riding shotgun this time. Arms folded and eyes mostly closed. On arrival it's wonderful to see everyone and spending time with my beautiful Grand daughter brings a few smiles to my face.  Why can't we throw these self defeating mindsets away. Just kill them off forever so they stop haunting our world as wel...

 Once again I'm pleased with myself for getting out of bed and dressed for the day ahead.  Anyone who has been here knows what a positive that is. As a counsellor I have encouraged so many of my clients over years to seek the route to their future development through how they learn to be aware of and process the steps taken towards improvement.  In some periods of life getting up. Washing. Brushing your teeth.  Even Dressing, can all be mountains to climb that prevent any form of engagement from taking place.  So yes we're off to a good start! It came to light the other day that part of my ongoing day to day anxiety is because in all the time I've been off work so far there has not been a single hour where work has not plagued my mind. The effect of this is a constant sense of guilt for not being there. Which feeds my negativity, self esteem and therefore confidence.  Anyone who is in this position really needs to put distance between themselves and the wor...

 How the hell is it Friday? I know that some of my days this week have seemed to meld into one long day but how have we got to another weekend already? So goes the life of an anxious depressed lost individual. But yesterday woke me up a little I think. I've not written about it but it was full on and hard work. Meetings and people..... All for good reason and part of my support... But every step was a task. But ... I did it! And combined with the fact that this crappy cold is actually lifting, today has been probably the best day for some time. It started with me winning my first challenge which was getting out of bed. My head was once again in the right place to keep depression at bay and tell the rest of me to get up and get going....... It felt good! Yesterdays conversations are fresh in my mind. People did me more service than they could ever realise as today their words appeal to the part of me that wants to engage and be positive. Oh ...  the negative weight is still jus...

 First and foremost and always above all else. Today has been Armistice day. A day to reflect and be grateful to others who have paid the highest of prices. 🙏🙏

 Three weeks have gone since I got tipped over the edge. Three weeks so far, that people, unthinking and uncaring people, have taken away from me.  Three weeks of my wife worrying sick about me whilst she fights to stay above water. Whether I and others was actually bullied, or I'm just being a weary Willy of a bloke matters not. And time will be the judge. Whatever occurred by the actions of others has put me and mine in the frightening situation we find ourselves in now. And yet "they" will have forgotten their actions by now and moved on. Living their normal everyday lives. While the lives of my wife and I have been indelibly marked.  I try to remember at the end of every entry to remind readers to be kind and considerate to others. Not that anyone should need reminding. But alas some do.  I do this in an effort to ensure that if I have written something that seems it's all about me me me. Then that has been inadvertent and the desired effect is to spread awarenes...

 In all honesty since the events of the weekend things have not seemed anywhere near "in balance". Looking back at the last two days .... I've slumped.  The sensory overload I experienced has caused fears to re-emerge and take hold. Vulnerabilities in my personality appear to be like huge caverns of doubt and self defeat. Where I see myself as weak and a fraud.  Part of me is now afraid to even venture out, even though that's just what I need to be doing. But I don't want anyone I know to see me because I feel that they will then judge me. That if I'm well enough to be out then surely I should be at work! Our situation is not helped by the fact that we both have stinking colds. We're becoming fractious and testy with each other as our frustrations and wits seem to find new things to annoy us. Both days have been negative ones. And they're difficult. You see when someone is suffering from anxiety, then the easiest of answers is to do nothing. Just sit t...

 I wake up in a very comfortable Premier Inn bed. But it's dark... And only 1am . Shit I'm wide awake. It's back. Normality had paid us a brief visit earlier. But now my head is once again busy. The next thing I know is I'm again waking feeling wired, it's 3.30am and this time I'm not alone. Faith makes us a cuppa each and we both start to worry if we're in for another scary day today. But eventually we go off to sleep and my next unscheduled waking is 6.45am . Not so bad. Looking out of the window my roofscape of Cardiff centre a mile in one direction filters through that of the bay area and the beautiful Millennium Centre to the seascape of Cardiff bay and into the Severn estuary. Thankfully I'm not feeling too bad currently. The anxiety I'm fearing from yesterday seems to be at arms length for now and I at least can appear to be at some ease in myself.  We fall in and out of exhausted sleep but neither of us are able to find the real sleep. So by ...

 Please note that I am aware that this entry reads as a very personal one. But I leave it this way as a good example of how anxiety and depression can effect the lives of those who suffer..... Today we go to Cardiff to watch our beloved Wales take on South Africa . This was to be a fun joyful day with the always enjoyable drive down and a night spent in the amazing bay area of Cardiff. But even before we're out of bed we're aware that anxiety levels are on the increase.  I feel afraid and vulnerable again. I can't explain why without calming myself down and reassessing my thought processes. And in this frame of mind that ain't gonna be happening any time soon.  I try to behave as though all is well and for the most part of the morning I think I'm being successful in not passing on my anxiety to my wife. We throw an overnight bag in the car and begin our journey. I'm driving mainly because I'm an awful passenger at the best of times.  As we get underway I...

 A lost day. Nothing really occurred. But because of the connection and conversation of yesterday I can honestly say that I've not slipped too far back down. Knowing that I actually matter to someone, anyone can keep you going.  This sounds so wrong . So dismissive of my fantastic wife. But when you're in this place it can be only too easy to forget how much you mean to your nearest most treasured person. And just how much they mean to you. This isn't selfishness. No. It's sometimes easy for these things to be taken for granted and therefore to lose their value until the chips are really down. But the words of the unexpected. Of those who step into your world to help. They suddenly become so important and encouraging. Today the combination of these people and the love and support of my wife kept me going. There's something playing on my mind though and it's sense of dread chasing after me. Tomorrow is going to be a really difficult day and I know my behaviour be...

 When in this situation it's a good thing to actually be aware that you're on a downward spiral but you do still have access to the controls. If able , your next step is to make a decision. To apply the brakes or lose control...   Obviously the minute by minute fight within is this very choice.  So today in my case, the brakes were stamped on hard with help from others. (It's rarely possible to carry out this procedure alone).  I get out of bed with actual intent. I know I have an osteopath appointment mid morning and a visit from a wonderful new friend from my post round.  Straight into the woody workshop and some finishing touches done. Then my appointment with manipulation.  I see that the local paper has run a story about how the level of sick leave combined with operational difficulties are conspiring to delay mail deliveries in the area. ... My personal anxiety levels jump from low to high as a result. I'm one of the reasons. I've become a proble...

 The one where I slip through time itself. I really do not know how but it's now 7.30pm on Wednesday 3rd and I can't really remember much to write about of the past 48 hours .  My mind Really is that scatty currently.  I remember having two nights where sleep hasn't come easily. But as a contradiction it's been bloody hard to get out of bed the past two mornings.  This lifelessness has to pass. I need to kick it out. This has caught me out and I'm struggling to hit back today... Take care and just be nice.. Pete

 When people are caught up in this sometimes aimless existence it is walking an extremely narrow line between happy and sad. But so long as a part of you exists somewhere deep within that says happy is achievable then we cling on to it like a life line.  This is where the intervention of others is crucial. Whether they know it or not that other person, probably not even from your close circle, plays an extremely significant role.  They turn up and engage with you in a positive and respectful manner. They call on your currently suppressed persona. The real YOU to step up and join them in conversation. They offer no criticism or judgement. They make no demands or targets. I am not talking about trained mental health professionals. But people who are honest enough to show they care and respect the fact that healing space is needed. I am so lucky to know someone like this and today they sat with us and talked and listened. Thank you. It's a bit of a struggle fighting back fro...

 Sorry No humour. Bad day.  Black dog had a feed today and was hungry!

 This morning I get up and dress feeling strangely positive. Even after a really bad nights sleep. I'm in the mood for getting up and getting on .... However by lunchtime all has been smashed to pieces and I'm brought crashing down to earth. Our post is delivered and amongst it is a letter for me that I know the content of before opening. Sure enough it's from my employer. Having already been advised of my regular contact with a manager who I implicitly trust and who is in full knowledge of my situation and is handling my absence with due professional care and consideration. Also having been advised by the aforementioned manager to leave me totally alone due to the fragile nature of the absence from work..... I have been sent the standard system generated letter which politely reminds me of when I went sick. And "invites” me to a Face to Face meeting at the office at a date in the very near future. And can I confirm my availability to attend.... Firstly anyone receivin...

 The one where not a lot happens and someone begins to restore my trust in people. I cannot say often enough that these entries I make are not meant to come across as being about "poor little me”. So please please don't think that way. Yes some of this shit is very difficult at times but you know what.... I've won battles with my MH before and I'm sure I'll do it again. I'm very lucky. My support network is second to NONE! Even I've been blown out the water by it and so far it's working.  I am writing these entries to get across what it's like living with various aspects of Mental "Ill" Health. I will deal with things in my way which are not the same as anyone else's. We all travel our unique road.  But the issue's,events, reactions and feelings are all very much a muchness for so many people who feel imprisoned in some unexplainable way. And do not feel able to communicate their experiences to the world. I am saying I've had e...

 At 9am I start nervously returning the call I received yesterday from the Heavy Mob. The relief I feel when I'm told that they were just checking in as I'd advised them I was going through the mill currently. A wonderful conversation with a lovely person puts me at ease and lowers the previous nights anxiety levels. Today's woodwork is creative and restful and keeps me occupied til mid afternoon. Then we start to get ready for a night out. We have tickets for Chicago at the Grand Theatre in Wolverhampton. I've become a fan of anything Bob Fosse was involved in. He was a dark, bad, loveable fun man and died we way to early. Although given the amount of sex, booze, drugs and fags it was hardly surprising that he left us at 60.  However this evening's adventure is already growing horns and becoming threatening in some way. I've looked at directions over and again. I've expanded the Google map to see carparks near to the theatre. I'm working out how much ti...

 I'm in the habit of still getting up feeding the cats and having a cuppa anywhere between 3am and 5am. Then I'll slide back into bed about 7am.  This morning I woke about 2.30 and began telling myself that I am a fraud. I could easily go back to work. What's stopping me? Then the mind really starts to go into overdrive as it accelerates way past the norm and into hyper drive. The thoughts of guilt and negativity flood in to the space that five minutes earlier was silent and at rest  I get up and serve the cats as we're here to do if we ever make that mistake of stirring in the night. Something is wrong today. I've found a new staircase to go down.  I return to bed around 7 and slide off to sleep. An hour later I'm again awake but weighed down in some way I can't explain. I need to get up but I can't . I even move across the bed as if to get out. But fall short each time.... Where is this coming from?....Then I remember the sensation and realise that the...