Living and working with anxiety and depression 20th November 2021 Day 31 The one where I dare to think I may be getting somewhere.... And another crowded place challenge.......

 

Yes!! .... I think things are actually improving..... Even after a really poor nights sleep due to a chesty cough I have where I got up at 1.15am and spent the night downstairs.
So though I'm entering the day knackered already I'm aware that this hasn't given way to the usual despondency and negativity. In fact I'm feeling quite the opposite. And this feels GOOD!

I'm also aware of just how nearby the dark feelings remain in orbit to me. Just waiting. Probing. I've learned at my cost that a moment of hesitation, a single doubtful thought and I land on a snake instead of a ladder.

So in my tiredness I also realise that it's going to be imperative for me to keep my head up and push on. Which will take some doing. But mentally I'm feeling the will to improve. I feel stronger and more prepared for the fight I've been having recently.

Again I dress in woodworking clothes. I do a bit of admin and have a cuppa. And into the Theatre of woody dreams I go, where I take on a simple task of prepping some wooden key fobs whilst listening to some of my favourite yet eclectic music. CSNY / Robert Plant & Alison Krauss then strangely Lady Gaga & Tony Bennett.....(yeah I know)

After a couple of hours my ”carer" calls me in for a spot of lunch. Butties and crisps...  I sit down and feel the warmth in the room after being outside. Then having eaten, the previous night catches up and I doze off leaving a coffee to go cold .
Faith seems happier today.... I must be mending visibly. It breaks her heart when I go through these episodes in life. Give the likes of my wife a problem that can be fixed and they do everything they need to. But when they are unable to wave their magic wand they feel hamstrung and useless. She is my tower of strength.

Ahead lies two events....Wales v Australia on TV, kick off 5.30pm and tonight we have tickets to see comedian Mark Steel at the Regal theatre in Tenbury Wells.

The first of these has an unexpected effect on me. Watching the build up and the anthems. In my mind I'm suddenly taken back to this time two weeks ago when we were there. And I feel a real sense of discomfort and fear swell over me as I suddenly realise just how much our Cardiff experience effected me..and how much control I lost there... Shit it's amazing how these things lie in your sub consciousness just  waiting to be reminded....

As we watch the TV I am enjoying the spectacle but this feeling stays with me. That day must've really shook me to the core. But it's not detracting from my enjoyment or my sense of positivity I'm experiencing. However we can only watch until halftime as we have a challenge ahead . A theatre again . A busy place again. People in my bubble.... But tonight I have NO sense of trepidation. NO fear of uncertainty.

Enroute I put a cosmic order out for a parking space adjacent to the theatre. (If you know. You know) we cross over the bridge into Tenbury and as we approach both sides of the high street are filled with parked cars.. apart from the one space actually outside of the theatre doors....(what can I say but.... Namaste).
In the bar we monitor the last 10 minutes of the rugby on my phone, which proves exciting and successful as Wales scrape a win with a last minute penalty kick from Rhys Priestland.
The evening is hilarious and I'm aware that I am laughing out loud with tears of hilarity in my eyes for the first time in ages. By the end of the show I AM FEELING BLOODY GOOD THANK YOU!

We buy kebabs and head home by which time it's 11.30pm and we duly demolish said kebabs whilst cats wait on expectantly. Tough !
We put music on and talk about our day....
This day to many might appear quite mundane. I'm sorry the usual gloom and despondency doesn't appear in my entry today. But this mundane normal day marks a very important thing for me. Us. I've just had a day that resembles normality. I've sung,laughed, conversed and even ventured out on my own earlier in the day. I have regained my awareness and a small level of confidence. These are keystones in building the foundations towards normality. I've written a lot about awareness and enjoyment...
Tomorrow I and anyone else in this situation need to keep it going. There might be some laps still to run but at least I now know I'm in the race...

Please be mindful and respectful to each other.

Pete x

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