Living and working with anxiety and depression 29th November 2021 Days 40. The one where I slip backwards again and Metallica come to help briefly.

 I just want everything to stop. I want the world to stop so I can just get off.  I'm growing exasperated with the ebb and flow of this illness.

There's NO other way of putting it and it's just no good trying to hide it. Today has been a very black old day. The kind of day that on two occasions already I've hoped I'd not feel again.

I'd spent the night on the settee. Not due to anything unpleasant, it's just I've said that if I'm interrupting Faith's sleep then it should be me that goes downstairs not her.

So that very scenario played out resulting in me crashing on the sofa about midnight and waiting for sleep to overpower my busy mind once again.

I wake when she comes down ready for work and I slope off to bed without saying anything. I'm feeling dark and heavy. I tell myself that I really don't want to consider my thoughts just yet. I just need to get in bed and try to recapture the sleep I've just lost contact with. I can already feel that today is going to be hard once more .

I wake and see that it's gone 10am. It takes me another hour to finally persuade myself to get out of bed. 

And sure enough it's here again. The black dog is walking beside me as I stand and make my way to the bathroom. And the mood I'm in, he can do whatever he wants with me today. I've got no fight left in me.

Like a sulky teenager I dress and go down stairs. The silence of the house merely feeds the negativity and guilt surrounding me. I sit with a coffee and begin the worst possible pastime when in this melaise . I start scrolling through my phone.

A thought struck me. Reminding me that I've still not ventured anywhere on my own! 

My zombie like fixation is disturbed by the post coming. I'd ordered a mug for Faith. It says on it in bold letters." Not feeling talky today. . Off you fuck."

Which at the time of purchase was mildly amusing. However the timing of its arrival is immaculate.

Amongst the mail is a card from a family on my post round. The envelope just has my name on it, so it's obviously been given to a colleague covering my round in order to get it to me.

It's  a get well card with a message so thoughtfully written it brings a tear to my eye. 

I read it again. And then for a third time. And then sit back in the chair with my head thrown back in tearful consideration....

The warmth of the card causes a dramatic mood change as the following words leave my lips........

"Alexa ..... Play Metallica" .... 

"Alexa..... Volume five"

And I'm up. I do a couple of household chores and then my attention turns to the garage.

It's cold. But while in this decisive mood I know it's what I really need to do.

After a couple of hours combined with more very loud Metallica I'm starting to feel that the flame is alight and going to start burning brightly again. But after a few hours I am making myself do things to prevent myself lapsing again. And for no other reason.

Then by 6.30pm I'm breaking more items than I'm making and I accept that it's now a fruitless excercise. I'm just afraid to go in the house because it means I'll have no distractions and Faith will see how lost I am again... 

When we hit these hidden traps , it doesn't matter how much you have prepared for another depressive episode, it will always be a kick in the guts when it comes.

So we start to engage the rescue process yet again.... Allowing time to survey the damage that is being done.  Logging where to focus to stem the negative flow. Engaging in positive self dialogue and believing what you are telling yourself..... Personally I'm currently still at the stage where I'm saying. "Just leave me alone and let me wallow"

So sorry if it's getting predictable or boring in any way. 

And believe me....... I so so want to kick this repetitive nightmare that's currently my bloody life. 

But we're in for another battle. Only this time I'm not feeling so strong..... Vulnerabilities are once more exposed like open wounds and my world is closing in on me again. I'm feeling restricted and afraid... Maybe it's time to discuss stronger medication. Why aren't my usual coping mechanisms working for me? What more help do I need? 

I'm also starting to feel anger again... And this time around that really ain't good. Not for anyone... My wife and I have lost 40 days so far.... My off is getting pissed!

Pete x