8th & 9th November 2021 Day 19 & 20

 In all honesty since the events of the weekend things have not seemed anywhere near "in balance". Looking back at the last two days .... I've slumped. 

The sensory overload I experienced has caused fears to re-emerge and take hold. Vulnerabilities in my personality appear to be like huge caverns of doubt and self defeat. Where I see myself as weak and a fraud. 

Part of me is now afraid to even venture out, even though that's just what I need to be doing. But I don't want anyone I know to see me because I feel that they will then judge me. That if I'm well enough to be out then surely I should be at work!

Our situation is not helped by the fact that we both have stinking colds. We're becoming fractious and testy with each other as our frustrations and wits seem to find new things to annoy us.

Both days have been negative ones. And they're difficult.

You see when someone is suffering from anxiety, then the easiest of answers is to do nothing. Just sit tight in your safe place and everything will be ok.

No challenges.

Nothing to be afraid of. 

And by adopting this non-reactivity towards your problem, you begin to drift in and out of thoughts and recriminations about your actions. Or non-action. And as you develop a world of quietness around you, even your loved ones become an inconvenience when they break the silence. 

But this world you are making offers you security because it makes no demands of you. It's therefore so easy to seek refuge within its confines. 

And that obviously is its threat. The comfort you're making yourself is so very dangerous because if it continues unchecked the individual will be lulled into that place where totally unannounced and with sometimes nothing particularly taxing the mind. The black dog appears and depression takes a hold. THIS is how anxiety and depression combine to destroy you.

Me personally. At the time of writing this I'm towards the end of my third day of doing very little about my situation.

Not helped by the fact that Faith and I are sharing an absolute mother of colds, I am sleeping little at night, and spending the day processing remorse at my failure to actually do anything as well as falling asleep for the odd hour.

When living this none existence you remain aware of your failings which in turn can succeed in turning you against yourself.

At this point the person has a huge internal fight on their hands. 

It's become the easiest thing to blame themselves for everything. For a heavy sense of guilt to develop and to flourish. 

Or to somehow put up a fight . Depending on how far they have slipped, to fight takes a degree of effort that may or may not be be available within them.

With all this stuff going on in my head I repeatedly ask myself how the hell I'm able to continue counselling clients..... But I find that I am more than able and in fact continue to carry out some of the best collaborative work I've done. I am in regular contact with my supervisor. My professional body are keeping in touch with me. I am about to engage in therapy myself and I have the support of some amazing people around me. All this underlined with my approach towards my clients means I am still in a healthy place to be 100% present when counselling....

And yet I find it incredible that at a time when I can't excercise a control over the most part of my personality. This side of me still remains positive and strong.

Anyway please be aware of those around you and check in on them if you think you should. Gut feelings are rarely incorrect.

Take care

Pete