Living and working with anxiety and depression 18th November 2021 Day 29 The one where I don't give in...and creativity wins the day.....

 Today has been a hell of a turn around. Something in me found an open door and pushed through it. 


I went through the same steps as yesterday. But Faith had gone to work. Meaning I was on my own. Being alone yesterday morning was my defeat. It led to a whole day of little or no movement and the realisation that depression had control of me again.

I've been like a lost puppy for days literally holding on to her for security at times. So being alone is currently a huge challenge for me.....

I  fought the easy option to stay in bed.

I told myself that today was going to be positive. 

Got up. 

Washed 

And dressed in clothes ready for woodworking. 

I then made the mistake of sitting down with a coffee which brought with it the desire to just sit and vegetate again. I even started dwelling in that place for a while. I had started repeating the dance steps of the past few days..  Not good....


But something was different . 

I wanted to be creative. It was my way out of the darkness today and I felt the need to grab it .

As I opened up the garage door my wife pulled on the drive and the look of relief on her face was warming. 

You see whilst I'm in the lacklustre weighed down headspace of depression, Faith has tried to get me to have plans before she leaves me at home. And each time she has returned to find me in the same chair with the same grey face and nothing done.


But today I have made it this far.....

Instinctively though, I see her arrival as the opportunity to return to the chair . So I tell myself that I really need to push on and achieve something. I had started some bowls days ago when I last felt like this and they along with everything else from that day all still lay where I'd left them.


I grab the broom and start to clean and tidy in there before starting work. 

My work is getting known now and I have a list of orders that have accumulated. And I actually feel like applying myself again... I'm aware that it's making me feel good about myself...... Today I like this....!


Then I get a big challenge..  While I have my head down working on a piece I become aware of someone approaching on the driveway. It's a colleague from work with our mail. I immediately feel a massive sense of guilt and embarrassment at being seen whilst off work on Sick leave.

We exchange pleasantries and as he leaves I'm feeling judged and vulnerable. It's horrible. 

Four years ago when I was going through this, I would actually hide from the postie. Even though I knew him I didn't want to be seen. The psychology of this thought process I may cover another time but needless to say it can be debilitating and frightening.

So my immediate choice is to surrender to the negative and irrational thought process or I can attempt to cancel any such thoughts and focus on what I'm actually doing. 

This approach is how I'm still able to carry out my Counselling work so why not apply it to my hobby..... In turn this is then a path back to the workplace. Back to the job that I've grown to love. But most importantly BACK TO WORK!


Something has really clicked inside. These thoughts are not getting a foothold this time. Yes I'm aware of them but I won't allow them to gather momentum. Not today!

By the time I finish for the day it's dark and around 6pm. This has been a good day and immediately I tell myself that the feelings I am experiencing right this moment are what can get me back to the world. 

I need to experience them. Know them. Welcome their sensations and what they do to me. Then I need to store the memory and protect it whilst keeping it all close to hand. Then call on them tomorrow morning.


By bedtime I'm feeling pleased with myself and more aware of the internal battle for ownership of my mind. 


Today feels better than any other so far but I still carry the fear of losing sight of what's possible. It scares you to think you can fall from feeling so good to that place of emptiness and negativity in a moment.


All aspects of my health situation and those of my wife, currently depend on how today is processed into tomorrow.


But on the whole it's been a good day.


Look after each other please.


Pete x



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