Living and working with anxiety and depression 23rd November 2021 Day 34 The one where I'm stuck between ladders and have to be honest with myself......

 Firstly I need to add a massive Thank you to yesterday's list that I forgot. And that is to express my gratitude to my employer who are showing that change is happening however restricted it may appear to be. But ten years ago anyone going through this stuff would not have been given the support and encouragement that I have received in the past four years. THANK YOU!.......



I have to admit that today has been another flat day.... And to use my previous analogy... The longer I stay on the platform without grabbing the next ladder the less secure it becomes.... So what's making it so bloody difficult to keep pushing on? The longer I hang around here the more vulnerable I begin to feel.


What has happened in the past two days or so to cause my healing process to stall?

I'm not falling back...not yet..... But my instincts are awakening telling me to be aware and prepare to fight again.


Over the past couple of days I allowed myself to consider my return to the workplace. The business. After actually not having it in my mind anywhere near as much as usual for a few days..... Aha.. there's a correlation there..


So I need to focus on this so that my return to my day job has positive associations for me and not the sense of dread that seems to be attaching itself currently.


I want to get back there. 

I need to get back there.

(The order in which those last two lines came to me is extremely important)

I'm missing the daily routine.

I'm missing a normal everyday existence.

I'm scared of being there.

I'll be judged there.

I WILL BE A VERY DIFFERENT PERSON WHEN I RETURN.


So my thought process tells me I'm afraid of going back whilst at the same time I'm working towards doing just that because I want to.


And why will I have to be different to the old me?


If I'm being totally honest. I have lost trust in my workplace environment. I do not want to engage with it in any way apart from doing the job. This is a huge change to me especially after the role I held for 18 months trying to assist colleagues and raise awareness of all health issues that can effect us. 

Also although my moods in the workplace can fluctuate I am known as a bit of a noisy joker more often than not to those around me. 

But I can't be arsed any more if I'm honest. The events of October and in recent weeks have kicked the stuffing out of me. I can no longer either find the ability to rebuild myself to that level or even have the desire to try.

The mindset I've chosen will be to return with earphones in. No unecessary conversation. Head down. Get the job done. And go home. No expectations. No disappointments. My life is everything outside of that building.... Not what's in it....


I hate the very idea of such a personality change in me. But it's a case of cause and effect. And this has to be about what works best for me if I'm going to get myself back sooner rather than later.


Today has seen me reflect on things and choose my next battle. I have to get back to work but without triggering the complex mechanisms within me that will cause me to stumble again.... Once again I begin to feel afraid....


Now please take this entry and apply it to someone you know and their situation. Or maybe even yourself. It's a lonely place everyone of these individuals exist in.

And talking about it should and must become the norm. 

But for that to work others have to be willing to listen... Can you?


Look after each other


Pete x


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