13th November 2021 Day 24 The one where I push on through...And a gig gets cancelled...

 Once again I'm pleased with myself for getting out of bed and dressed for the day ahead. 

Anyone who has been here knows what a positive that is.

As a counsellor I have encouraged so many of my clients over years to seek the route to their future development through how they learn to be aware of and process the steps taken towards improvement. 

In some periods of life getting up. Washing. Brushing your teeth.  Even Dressing, can all be mountains to climb that prevent any form of engagement from taking place. 

So yes we're off to a good start!


It came to light the other day that part of my ongoing day to day anxiety is because in all the time I've been off work so far there has not been a single hour where work has not plagued my mind. The effect of this is a constant sense of guilt for not being there. Which feeds my negativity, self esteem and therefore confidence. 

Anyone who is in this position really needs to put distance between themselves and the workplace in order for healing and recovery to even begin. Like many many others who suffer, I have been unable to do this. 

But I am trying harder now and it starts with attaching less importance to it. The job and all that goes with it will still be there when I'm better and stronger. I have to get back to finding myself and working on me so that I'm strong enough to be ”normal” again and deal with everyday life at home and work.

So distraction must be the key....


Today we ventured out once more. And visited Ludlow . We both know it's about me testing myself and forcing myself to go out. In a few days I am supposed to be driving Faith and two friends from work to see a band in Wolverhampton. It's going to be loud, buzzing and uncompromising. And we are both worried after the events in Cardiff. 

So a walk around Ludlow goes well as we enjoy some coffees and the shops and market where I often have my own stall to sell my handcrafted woodwork.

I'm doing well even when someones dog goes crazy in a small coffee shop. 

On the way back to the car we stop off at a beautifully picturesque cafe next to the river and it's weir. A totally relaxing spot as we sit outside taking in the view. 

Then out of absolutely nowhere I feel a sense of dread take hold. Faith see's it in my face. And her own alarms begin to trigger. 

The next half hour sees me once again jumping between the rational and irrational. The logical and illogical. As I use internal dialogue to keep going. 

So at this point I ask..... Who around us would have even been aware what was going on? In another place and scenario who would be aware that a wrongly chosen word or I'll timed action would be like a sledgehammer to someone. Even someone totally unconnected? Please consider and have your own internal dialogue.


By the time we finish we both just want the safety feeling of being home especially myself. So that's where we head.

On the way I receive an email. The Wayward Sons have had to cancel their gig and the rest of the tour due to Covid in the camp. I was looking forward to Thursday but with trepidation especially after this latest episode. So a sense of relief hits me as I now don't have to face that particular challenge in the coming week.


Please be mindful and kind to everyone.


Pete.x


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