Living and working with anxiety and depression 21st November 2021 Day 32 The one where I take stock.... And I try to thank those who have got me this far....

 Ok at least for now the mists are clearing I think... And for the first time in over a month I feel able to reflect on what the hell has happened to me. And if you've been reading this throughout you'll know that by ME I actually mean anyone who is either also suffering, has suffered or may one day suffer with issues around their own Mental Health.

This current episode I'm experiencing has triggers applicable to my personal anxiety and depression . But countless people have countless triggers of their own to deal with which cause them varying degrees of discomfort and ill health.

The very words ANXIETY & DEPRESSION have become labels. They form brackets in which we can be put in order to explain behaviour patterns, absence from work, changes in mood and many more idiosyncrasies in someone. 

Each of the words are merely labels for hundreds of combined symptoms. If someone says they have stress. Then what is stress? Can you see it? Can you collect it in a bucket?... Obviously not ...stress is a collective label for very many symptoms.

Therefore once a label has been attached the norms of society dictate how the individual can be dealt with. I.E..Drugs prescribed, paperwork assigned, ”care pathways” provided, judgements made both professional and personal, and choices restricted in work and socially.

But how often does anyone in the chain of so called recovery actually stop to think about the individual who is experiencing the illness?

What's their story? How was their lifescript put together? What ”conditions of worth" have they learnt? How do they see themselves? Just how have they found themselves in this situation?

To show this much interest in someone's mental health is time consuming and therefore expensive in so many ways. Time absent from work. Thorough and holistically based recovery plans. Hours of ethically and professionally sourced Psychotherapy. And much more all amounts to a great cost across the spectrum of mental health awareness. But we as a society have not really bothered to invest in mental health in any Great way that advances the care of those who have to live with it. To continue down this road is to lean on an open door. And admittedly I've turned this entry into a bit of a rant. That we'll return to at some point in the future. But coming back to me ..... Rant is something I couldn't have done in recent weeks til now..

So how have I got here and what happened to me both physically and mentally to cause it all. 

To begin with I am made up of millions of life decisions and observations from the minute I was born. So events of childhood created a psyche that went into adolescence that developed a psyche that went into adulthood and so on. So without boring you with details let's just say that i wasn't ever well prepared for those transitions and probably didn't become mature in mind until my 50's. 

Emotional intelligence and nurturing weren't exactly watch words of my developmental years and so like many others I grew up lacking in confidence and trust and warm parenting.

Throughout life you find substitutions for your weaknesses in order to bluff your way through society and employment. And these often get challenged. 

Because you're not complete as a person you don't have all the answers all of the time and that's when you feel judged. So you learn to cope with nervousness as best you can. Every time you put yourself in a situation that some others would see as normal, you experience it as a challenge that you may fail. And to you the outcome of such failure is catestrophic. Even though it obviously isn't really. We lose sight of that little fact and stare straight down the barrel of the gun at every single decision. Socially and professionally. 

Then when things do go wrong the mental effects are seismic to the individual, who just goes into panic mode time and again, often in places where they have to outwardly appear to be in full control. 

The continued failure to see yourself in a positive light over long periods of life results in such self doubt and frustration that sensations are developed that trigger negative mood swings and dark thought processes that serve to weaken our cognivity towards basic every day situations.

Bringing all this in to the present and my current episode......  Fact..I am a person who always feels under pressure and judged. Therefore I am subconsciously constantly afraid of making errors. Leading to a feeling that I am always being watched and assessed and found wanting.

When I'm in a good place, I'm waiting for it to go wrong and so when it does even in the slightest way the ramifications are multiplied and awfulised to the enth degree...

Due to events in my life I therefore have a need for things to ”go to plan”. Then I can handle the repetition. It helps me. I know where I'll be and what I'll be doing on any given day. This is predominantly the case in my full-time employment. As it is my workplace there is an automated response from me every working day based on fear and judgement that I fight every day. So to be in control by knowing the where,what and when of each day before they happen is what gets me through. And I know this to be true for many colleagues throughout our business. About four years ago I went through a similar episode that did more damage. It came from nowhere and caused me to take six months off work. I fell so far that suicide even entered the thought process. And like now I have openly spoken of those times in order to help others in the workplace and beyond.

I have been known to ruin holidays in the past just because a day hasn't gone the way I've needed it to. 

So in the recent events in my workplace I had been fighting the fears of uncertainty triggered by what I knew to be a fact that my round would have a slight change made to it but also the slim possibility of me losing my delivery round altogether. I also carried a massive unseen fear of any dip in my vulnerabilities could see me return to that frightening black place of four years ago. This really did bring a serious fear with it.

I was doing ok for the most part until I was told someone had voiced an interest in my round. On hearing this every internal alarm of anxiety went off inside me. Confusion,fear,doubt,mood changes, short temper all immediately followed on but not just confined to work. I felt vulnerable and out of control.

Prior to this happening people had commented just how "up" I was. And I had very good reasons to be happy. Then it all changed in a day. A day that fell a few days before all revision changes were forced through regardless. 

Yet the one constant that I could rely upon was being present for my Counselling clients. How? Because when a client is sat in front of me they are THE most important person in the world for that period of time. I am their confidant. I am their mirror. And given the work I can be involved in that is always an honour that can never be denied.

However before the revisions to people's working days were to be rearranged the union members of the office had to vote yes or no to whether there had been due and correct process in the planning and deployment. 

So the few days prior to this saw gossip and rumours spread like wildfire. Cliques of colleagues gathering and talking in hushed tones. Divisions occurring for whatever reasons. The atmosphere became toxic in those few days. 

For people like me who didn't want the worry of it . Who just wanted to turn up, do our job and go home it became frightening.

Call it weak or call it Mental”ill" Health it's a fact that those of us who suffer had too much to deal with brought on initially by a need to change and modernise but more recently by a decision at the top table to force revisions in within a ridiculously short period of time for the sake of money. I would ask. Did anyone consider the effects of this on individual employees and their health?

On the day I was doing ok coping with my Anxiety levels . I'd been taking medication for Anxiety and had been on an increased dosage of antidepressants for a few days and had brought to the attention of managers and union.

When called together to count a vote the split had become more vociferous from the minimal section and name calling and foul language was being aimed at at least one individual who had fallen out of favour with them. 

Now we all can swear at times be it in jest, conversation or temper. But this had become pointed, barbed and loud.

When the vote was taken those of us who won were then the target of mock sheep calling and other such behaviour.

I felt this to be very unsettling and levels continued to rise in me.

And then, based upon an incorrectly overheard comment that I had made to a friend whilst the vote was in progress, I returned to my mail frame to find two colleagues waiting to verbally harass me. 

My explanation in response meant nothing to them.

Given where my head started that morning, its not surprising that I now felt a total loss of confidence and felt vulnerable and scared. 

The effects of this event are written in my first entry and I don't want to remind myself of those thoughts right now. But needless to say I felt the need to run and so I did.

Nobody set out to resurrect my psychological vulnerabilities. Nobody had a plan to do me harm.

But nonetheless here I am sat at home on my fifth week absent, trying my damnedest to glue myself together so I can return to work. 

Mindfulness, kindness, awareness, caring for each other. All these are available to everyone by just choosing not to be hurtful or vicious.... Those who don't think, judge.

There are lessons for everyone. I'm no Bible basher. I don't even believe in God. But having spent many years as someone who didn't think, I've learned that humans would just be well served to observe those few words.... Also adding that Gentleness should NEVER be seen as weakness.

Me? Well it's day 32 and I'm on my third good day. Still feeling like I'm heading up a ladder not down a snake. My Counselling work and my creative work are combining nicely to help me find a good place to rebuild from. I'm actually looking at how I can return to work, but then I start feeling vulnerable again. So for now I'm taking baby steps with my return in the back of my mind but still a goal. 

To finish I really want to say a huge thank you to those who have helped get me this far. I know I still have a way to go but I'm feeling more confident of getting there. As it wouldn't be appropriate to identify you all I sincerely hope you all know the difference your making to me. From customers on my round to my amazing patient wife Faith. From neighbours to work colleagues who have become friends by their words and actions.

I really am truly grateful to you all.

Be kind.

See you tomorrow

Pete x