1st November 2021 Day 12 The one where a visit means everything.

 When people are caught up in this sometimes aimless existence it is walking an extremely narrow line between happy and sad.

But so long as a part of you exists somewhere deep within that says happy is achievable then we cling on to it like a life line. 

This is where the intervention of others is crucial. Whether they know it or not that other person, probably not even from your close circle, plays an extremely significant role. 

They turn up and engage with you in a positive and respectful manner. They call on your currently suppressed persona. The real YOU to step up and join them in conversation. They offer no criticism or judgement. They make no demands or targets. I am not talking about trained mental health professionals. But people who are honest enough to show they care and respect the fact that healing space is needed.

I am so lucky to know someone like this and today they sat with us and talked and listened. Thank you.


It's a bit of a struggle fighting back from where I found myself at the weekend. Feelings of being a fraud still unsettle my mind. But I know myself enough to be sure that I am not well. This continuous internal dialogue is an ongoing battle in my consciousness and serves to change my moods throughout each day and night .


The anger grows in me from day to day. That such actions could have taken place that day and such vile words be used between colleagues. And the questioning of my own integrity by people who have never bothered to even know me. .  Again I repeat ”those who do not think. Judge"....


I want to be back at work!! It sounds so simple doesn't it. But the reality of the situation is that I look for failure and judgement around every corner of my day job. I hold what I know is an irrational fear. This then triggers an anxious reaction.  Of which the surrendering to calls on the depression. Something I have helped many counselling clients overcome so many times. But unfortunately that doesn't help me. I seem unable to employ the same tools I introduce them to in order to bring about change. But I know it will happen. Until such time I possess an irrational fear of the very workplace I normally enjoy going to each day. It has become a serious challenge for me to even leave the house alone....


For those of you who are sticking with "my diary of a Madman" I thank you. But also ask that you do your little bit to help break the stigma associated with Mental Health. It's real. It exists and I'm fully aware that purveyors of it will be judging me as they do all others who don't fit their view of life. These shortsighted people exist at all levels. Colleagues to managers. Cleaners to directors. Friends to foes. 


But the multitude of issues and effects around Mental Health are real, are dangerous and can become all consuming.

Four years ago when I experienced this it was much worse and for a short time suicide was on the agenda.

It is my hope that the manner that I am being managed and assisted by my employer actually manages to break the mould and show a modernised more compassionate approach that I and others will be happy to champion throughout by education and example.

After all it would be a nice ending if something so positive could come out of my situation and make things easier for others who quite understandably don't feel able to rise above the parapet of doubt and judgement.


Please folks. Just be thoughtful and kind to each other.

Pete x


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