27th October 2021 Day 7

 I'm in the habit of still getting up feeding the cats and having a cuppa anywhere between 3am and 5am. Then I'll slide back into bed about 7am. 

This morning I woke about 2.30 and began telling myself that I am a fraud. I could easily go back to work. What's stopping me? Then the mind really starts to go into overdrive as it accelerates way past the norm and into hyper drive.

The thoughts of guilt and negativity flood in to the space that five minutes earlier was silent and at rest 

I get up and serve the cats as we're here to do if we ever make that mistake of stirring in the night.

Something is wrong today. I've found a new staircase to go down. 

I return to bed around 7 and slide off to sleep. An hour later I'm again awake but weighed down in some way I can't explain. I need to get up but I can't . I even move across the bed as if to get out. But fall short each time.... Where is this coming from?....Then I remember the sensation and realise that the increased dose of my anti depressants is obviously deciding to have its say. I now fight the urge to become a zombie. And get my arse outs bed!!

How many counselling clients have I helped out of this quagmire of doubt and defeat.

The weird thing is that I'm continuing to work with my counselling clients. My counselling work combined with my woodwork is keeping me the right side of sanity. How?

The wood is probably easier to explain first.... It really is a Therapy. And if I may say so... The items I make are pretty darn special at times. But there is a recurring danger. I sometimes "lose the muse" while in there and it suddenly becomes a very lonely place. When this happens I try to come up with something new but more often than not it results in me turning everything off, shutting the door and sitting in silence. 

Now for the Counselling.... How is it that I can still work with my clients? Easy! For the hour they are with me and the prep time before and after, they are THE most important person in the world to me. Therefore my level of focus is 100% on THEM!

Today ended on a scary note. The Professional Conduct dept. at my Counselling Body have left a voicemail for me. They want ”a chat". Someone has complained about my entries. I delete all previous diary entries from Facebook and LinkedIn and have another almost sleepless night.


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