Living and working with anxiety and depression 27th & 28th November 2021 Days 38 & 39. The one where I've become trapped in my illness and try to break out..... And my wife and I face some realities.....

 I left you at Friday evening having chosen not to challenge myself to mix with people and dealing with the irrational effects of a voicemail. It's now Sunday night so I'll try to retrace my steps over the weekend.

Saturday passed by slowly with the highlight being a ten minute drive to Kidderminster for my Covid booster jab.... Not even this could I bring myself to do on my own. So I made suggestions to Faith that while I was there did she want to go anywhere...etc... She knew I wanted her with me . So she played along keeping me happy and spent an hour freezing walking the Arctic wastes of Kidderminster town centre while I queued and sat in a warm health centre.

We return home and spend the evening like many over the past few weeks. Too quiet and lethargic. 

Storm Arwen is wreaking havoc across the country. In North Wales our daughter has lost a large part of the roof and we are getting pictures and videos of the devastating effects it's having on Ludlow medieval fayre where we have a long standing stall the next day.... For which we intend participating in the whole dressing up and taking a part ..... Hmmmmm. The car is loaded with woody stock and our costumes laid out ready. We are notified during the evening that the market will still be on... 

The thought of getting up and going early on a pleasant morning is really not appealing but on a cold frosty morning to us as we both feel the draw of being closed in and quiet, is not attractive.

You see it's a danger I've previously written about. The inexplicable fear that sits inside us does not want to be challenged so it seeks quietness and self doubt. So it can continue to grow. To take route. And it can be so bloody easy to appease it. For an easy life. Just like someone fighting an addiction to alcohol or drugs. The decision making process is laborious and painful. To win for the positive team is hard work and energy sapping, with battle after unknown battle ahead of it. To lose to the negative side is an easier path and peaceful although solitary and ultimately painful.

Given the past few days and my mind set I'm surprised at 8am Sunday to be driving us towards Ludlow and the -3° that awaits us. 

By the day's end we can look back on a fairly busy and successful one. Normally on a scale of one to ten I would score today around two hundred and fifty. However I've been experiencing a block all day. I've chatted with people. I've played my part. But I've not really been present. My mind has for the most part not been there. However hard I've tried.

However I've been blown away at the number of well wishers and Thank yous I've received from people who have connected with this blog and take strength from it. I'm so very grateful. And pleased that I'm achieving my goal in some way.

But overall when Faith asks me how I feel on our way home. I answered honestly. 

For another night sleep fails to come easy regardless of tiredness. This part of that damn partnership between anxiety and depression is one of its most lethal weapons. It robs us of rest. And uses the time to raise concerns in our heads. 

So to check in.... How am I?

Well I'd say better than five weeks ago. But definitely taken a slip backwards from five days ago.

Self doubt.

Self esteem.

Self confidence.

Self control.

Self awareness.

All weak once more. Can you see the common denominator here?

Look after yourselves and those around you. Whether you know them or not.

Pete x