Living and working with anxiety and depression 25th November 2021 Day 36 The one where I get a call of support and I realise I've closed down again.....

Last night was another bad night as you may have read in yesterday's post.
When someone battles with anxiety and depression natural sleep can be hard to come by.
So to manage to find slumber at night only for it to be disturbed by repetitive coughing is rubbing salt into the wound.
Having got up around 3am I found myself going back to bed about 8am.
These staggered visits to sleep are restful but not necessarily a good thing.
Your body clock is totally messed up and you become out of balance.

I woke again around 10am and immediately realised my head was not in a positive place. Lethargy and negativity had got in whilst I'd lapsed my concentration.
"Shit!"..... "I can't do this"
My internal dialogue began to kick in.
It feels like lying in treacle when heavy with depression. Every move in bed seems to have weight attached to it. The comfort of the duvet can actually feel restricting.
When you wake in this state you cannot capitulate. Thoughts HAVE to become black and white. And if you're not going to stay there for hours, decisions have to be made.

For anyone who is lucky enough not to have suffered with this shit it must sound absolute rubbish and nothing but a cop out!

But on behalf of us all I promise you..... This is how it can feel.

Just as I feel I've got a fight on my hands something inside me clicks and a strong loud voice in my head tells me to get up and be creative.

Again the importance of having a creative outlet, whatever it may be, is paramount to keeping active and engaged whilst fighting the black dog.

By 10.30 I'm up and dressed and making coffee. Round 1 to me.

Ten minutes later my phone rings and it's my connection to the business calling me to check in on how I'm doing.
Now once upon a time this call would have struck fear into me and many others. As the call would be a scripted call each day of your absence from a manager  who wasn't particularly interested in your health but wanted to know how soon you would be back at work. Thus putting pressure on the individual to return. Kind of passive aggressive gameplay.
To someone who is stuck at home feeling guilty for not being at work in the first place and who beats themself up over it , every one of those calls would heighten anxiety levels exponentially.
But my call is from a reformer. A moderniser who like a stick of rock would have the business written top to bottom within them. And always puts the business first. But also understands that people don't always function at their best. And ill health can visit in numerous guises. They have that knack of knowing who's real and who's fake. I fell lucky when this one took my absence file.

Our phone conversation takes up around an hour and they are as ever reassuring as well as honest concerning the need for a return to work. As a psychotherapist I can tell that this person has a greater understanding of Mental Health issues than would normally be credited to someone. Even I would admit from my personal and professional view point. They are bloody good!

Unlike historically, the conversation ends with me feeling supported and invested in by my employer. This in turn encourages me to undertake to "get my ass back to work as soon as I possibly can". Whenever that may be. I am truly grateful that the business is taking this route in this modern age. THANK YOU.

During our conversation I realised that I'd confirmed something that had slipped by me over the past few days.
I've returned to a mindset not experienced for nearly four years.
I'm "afraid" of going anywhere on my own. I've got a ten minute trip to pick up something I've bought my granddaughter nearly a week ago, but I'm finding excuses not to do so. I could help Faith by doing the shopping but I can't go on my own.
I have hunkered down and kept myself busy "at home" . I don't want to see anyone. I don't want to be in a crowd. I don't want people!
So I need to address this before it becomes a monster instead of an inconvenience.
I was aware of it developing but tried to ignore it. Now I have to address it. With the very impetus the hour long coaching conversation has just given me.....

The weekend offers opportunities to confront fears and test myself in gentle ways although not on my own. Tomorrow there is a small Christmas event based around a nearby pub. Usual stuff. Food a market and live music later in the evening.
Faith and I discussed going and whilst I know being in a crowded bar watching live music would normally be an enjoyable experience for us it would be too much for me currently. But I've undertaken to go along early doors to the market and pub for food.
On the proviso that we can leave if it's too much.
FFS it seems really weak of me saying things like that. It's just made me feel... pathetic.........
............
.............

Ok. Moving on....
Also we have a Christmas market to do on Sunday. It's a medieval fayre market in Ludlow. It's going to be flipping cold. And there's going to be a lot of people... But if need be I can just sit back and Faith can run the stall.... I also have a friend or two there who share similar experiences to me.

So the next few days have some tests for me. Fingers crossed.

But back to today. Once again I dressed in layers that any polar expedition would be jealous of and approached the garage and the world of wood with a "to do" attitude.

A new fruit bowl started. And spoons now waxed and finished . I decide it's too chilly for me today so return indoors.

Faith comes home around the same time and over a cuppa we begin a long conversation with each other very much based on US. Our Mental Health both individually and as a couple. We talk about how we're feeling and the external pressures we're both dealing with as well as those we place on ourselves.

We often talk easily about stuff with each other. And always have done. But this conversation has an added sense of meaning. Of connection between us. Of wanting to mend each other more than ever before. We're currently both bruised and hurting. Worried for each other as well as ourselves. And there are no easy answers lying around when people find themselves here. It's down to effort, time and love.

By late evening the finished spoons have attracted quite some attention online and I know at least one job I have tomorrow.

Today I've experienced respect and consideration from my employer and approval from those who follow my woodcraft online. So as I make my way to bed I allow myself to admit I've had quite a good day. Tomorrow is the next one.

We are grateful to all those who give us their support. We are "with you" all those who share our situation and thought processes. Thanks.

Take care and play nicely folks

Pete x