Living and working with anxiety and depression 5th January 2022

 OK I am making some changes as of today.

It maybe a sign of improvement. I'm not sure. But from now on I'll be updating the blog 2 - 3 times a week and not every day.

It dawned on me that I am being driven by some kind of OCD symptom to ensure that every day is accounted for. 

And I'm really not that interesting. I'm really sorry for the intrusion.

So as I seem to, for the most part, be continuing my improvement I am having less daily personal experiences to write about. 

However any fluctuation in this situation will obviously be reflected in the frequency of my entries. And please still continue to send me your questions, stories and comments.

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Please be aware that I have only been observing my processes with regards to my more current issues. 

Like most other people who experience Mental ill Health in their lives. I have rusty old hooks in my shoulders with lines going back decades. And these can sometimes shake my foundations or just put a shot across my bows from time to time.

They can leave me ill placed to cope occasionally or just give me a bit of pain. 

Kind of the difference between a sprain and a compound fracture.

As I've said... Just cos I work in Mental Health, it doesn't mean I've found the answer to all my issues and I'm sure in the future some of these will surface in my attempts to tell y'all that it's okay!

Because ultimately this is being written to help raise Mental Health awareness. It's for fellow sufferers to hopefully take some solace from. It's also to enlighten and help anyone who cares enough to be reading it whether they suffer or not.

I'm conscious that as a Counsellor committing these written words to social media, I am making my personal experiences and thoughts public property. 

The choice to do this is part cathartic and part professional. I check my professionalism constantly so as not to cross any lines of integrity. 

Through this, I may have lost some clients since beginning I don't know. 

But I am and will always be an equal to the client and never more than.

So before the count of daily entries becomes a chore to me I will reduce the task. But trust me I've had enough positive feedback from readers to know that this blog is helping people. It would be great for the input from readers to grow and develop into something. 

So please keep getting in touch with me. Always in the strictest confidence. 

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I'm now committed to a return to work on the 17th January. 

Will I be fully recovered by then? NO! 

But that is where we can waste our energies. As I've already said. Previously I've tried to repair and "fix" all the broken parts of me. Then when I've stepped back into the world, in my heart of hearts I've known that I'm not really as recovered as I make out. And all I've done is push on with a still faulty system. Just waiting for the next series of life incidents to ramp up my anxieties and depression. Which in turn has been a waste of any recovery time I've taken away from the workplace or elsewhere.

This time I'm accepting that I do not operate at the fictitious higher performance level. But instead I am operating at 100% of ME! What anyone will see is me being the best I can offer. It's MY best! It's good enough!

No apologies. No recriminations.

Hopefully this makes sense to you the reader. And considering its part of the methodology of my work with clients, it's taken a bloody long time for me to try to employ it for myself. 

Maybe this is why I have these recurrent episodes in the first place. 

However I still am to safely put this into place for myself.

Is this making sense at all?

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Moving on .... I don't know if it's the approaching return to the day job but my anxiety levels over the past couple of days have become easily noticeable at times. Inwardly those huge butterflies are spending most of each day chaotically bouncing around within my chest. Outwardly my patience and tolerance can be very easily tested. 

I'm snappy and quiet just as I am also engaging with the more humourous and lighter side of who I am. So my poor wife gets a hibrid mix of a screwed up personality to live with..... Oh dear. Sorry.

My daily medication intake remains at maximum level. 2x Anti-depressants & 2 or  3 Propanolol a day to take the edge off the anxiety. It's been three months since the med's increased. And whilst at times I feel like asking for stronger options I also want to remain in control. So living at a level that can sometimes prove uncomfortable is a small price to pay..... Currently.

Some days it makes me feel easily tired and others it's not so bad. I never know which way I'll go though.

Today if I'm honest I'm feeling particularly lacklustre and sleepy. But we had a bad nights sleep once again which obviously hasn't helped.

It struck me yesterday that if I wasn't dealing with ill health, this week would have been a holiday week for us. A time to enjoy life and relax.

So that's two weeks holiday and a Christmas that have been taken from me in the past few months. 

Once again.... We Thank You!

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It's bloody cold outside so woodworking will be at minimum output for a while. Therefore I've lost my main distraction for the same period...

In which case I can start planning the things I have in mind for the coming year. 

It's going to be interesting and need a level of concentration and committment that at times I'll need to dig deep for. But I really hope it's going to be worth the ride.

Anyway that's me for today. 

Take care all.

Pete x