Living and working with anxiety and depression 1st January 2022 Day 72

 A new year has begun and it seems to have crept in like an expected trip to the dentist rather than be announced as a bright opportunity for the future.

With the mutating viruses again taking a hold of our every day lives. And various predictions being whispered or occasionally actually stated. Life just seems to be rumbling forward into another year of unknown restrictions and outcomes.

This isn't the view of a depressive anxious person (me). This is the general consensus it would appear.

Me? Well......The coming year has some exciting events and opportunities awaiting me and those around me. I can say this because "currently" I'm feeling more prone to seeing the positives in my life. Something I know that I could not have done a few short weeks ago.

I am definitely on the up. Yes... I'm worried that my current positive demeanor could take another hit and send me towards the canvas for a fourth time but this time I'm also aware that I have more about me. I feel that I can work towards the next level. 

And that is getting back to the Day Job!

Returning to that place still makes me feel afraid. The day I go back I have to be strong enough to overcome all the irrational thought processes I will have. All the resultant fears and doubts I will be harbouring. And also be committed to my chosen course of action. Things that occurred back in October need to be addressed if for no other reason to prevent them happening again. 

The individual who goes through, some if not all, of these considerations before their return to the coalface is taking on a monster in their mind.

The road they have travelled to get to this point has been hard enough. But now as they start to believe in themselves again they need to find another gear from their constantly misfiring system.

So the anxiety that was becoming an annoying background noise once again starts to take its place at front of the person's psychological reactions. It regains it's ability to weigh heavily on every day normality again. 

Except this time the owner has chosen where and when to fight the battle. 

This isn't fought with 100% confidence though. For those of us living with this fault in our DNA, nothing ever is. 

But we have taken time, often and certainly in my case, time that we have been afforded by our employers and those close to us, to build or rebuild our internal abilities to push on. We still depend upon medication and support. It just means it's working.

You see. When someone who has gone through any level of Mental Health illness are seen to stand their ground or even just enter the world inhabited by everyone else, it NEVER means that they are over the illness or are now miraculously"better". No. What you see is someone who fights with self destructive thought processes every day of their lives. But on this occasion and after a hell of a lot of bloody hard work on themself. They are willing to risk it all once again to rejoin you all. 

The risk involved is huge. Please if you take nothing else from my ramblings take this. Every time they get to this point in their repetitive up and down fight with Mental Health they actually risk everything they've gained on every single choice they make. They risk losing every ounce of belief that they've reconnected with. Whether it be a life or death decision or which pudding to have after an enjoyable dinner.

The damage is done it is in our blueprint. We just learn to live with it in constantly varying ways.

So when I ask for you to show consideration and kindness. This is what I'm talking about. None of us knows the other person's story.

I look forward to getting myself back to the Day Job in what I hope to be a couple of weeks.

Take care and be good.

Pete x