Living and working with anxiety and depression 19th December 2021 Day 60 The one where I receive unexpected positive messages ... And I take another pill.

As I've previously written, it's important if possible for the person experiencing the episode to make a mental log of how their behaviours and processes play out each time.

Do they repeat in the same manner each time and if so what are the pro's and con's?

If they occur in different patterns thus triggering different thought processes, what is being learned each time?

What makes them play out differently?

These and many other questions need to be asked of themself if they are able to focus.

At the start of this occurrence in my world back in October, I would not have been able to even consider how cognitive processes were playing out in my head. 

But I soon convinced myself that I had a fight on my hands and had to be as mentally aware of myself and my environments as often as I could be.

Therefore I've learned over the repeated ebb's and flow's of the last two months to manage the effect of attacks when they come. There's a flickering flame to protect. Whatever happens it has to stay alight even if it's brightness is diminished from time to time. 

Initially and with previous episodes I fall somewhat uncontrollably to the pitch black bottom. Then spend a lot of time trying to feel my way around before taking tentative steps. 

But this time I've tried to "cover the brakes" whilst I've taken in what's happening to me. Not always a total success, I admit, but each time is another lesson.

We left for home both feeling relaxed and having had a pretty damn special visit. As we are waved to from the window we settled into our journey. 

Half way home we stop off at a retail park for lunch. On the way up the previous day we stopped off here and I found the predominantly Christmas theme of the place served to drag me down. 

But this time I'm in a much lighter mood and I WANT to feel some pleasure from all these people entering into the festive season.

It feels ok and I once again feel a small amount of humour returning to me. 

We have lunch and continue home. 

Once home we settle into the Sunday afternoon comfort of a sofa and TV. I can tell that Faith is wary of me. I'm in a lighter humour today but have had some very quiet times throughout the day. And every so often she will ask me if I'm alright. To which I always.... always snap my answer back telling her that I'm fine and asking her why she feels the need to ask me in the first place. Totally missing for the umpteenth time that it comes out of nothing but care and love for me.

Things that sometimes I'm really not good at receiving.

As well as which the tone of my response indicates quite the opposite to the words I use.

I hate myself every time I do this kind of thing.

During the evening I receive a number of text messages "out of the blue" which in all honesty combined actually bring a tear to my eye. 

These friends have shown themselves to be caring and interested even though they have their own problems to deal with. 

I am very grateful to have them in my life.

By 7pm I can feel high levels of anxiety building in me for absolutely no apparent reason. This is when you feel least in control. So I try to identify rhyme and reason for my defenses to suddenly be ramping up.

Tomorrow is another weekday. A workday for most. Certainly for my work colleagues. Work will be hell leading up to Christmas at the weekend and I'm still at home. 

The anxiety has come about because I've been thinking about work and my continued absence. This has brought with it feelings of guilt and failure. 

I look at the coffee table. Pick up the Propranolol and squeeze my maximum third into my hand. Down it goes with a gulp of Coke and I squeeze up to faith again. 

She has told me quite openly that she is worried about me again and if I'm honest my fears are growing also.

The up and down of this illness is tiring me. It's tiring Us! 

But the last twenty four hours have seen improvement. And that is good.

The pill goes down leaving it's bitter taste in more ways than one. Please help me sleep I think to myself. And I take a firm hold of Faith as we Cwtch. I'm grateful to have her!

Be nice.

Pete x