Living and working with anxiety and depression 4th December 2021 Day 45 The one where Anxiety becomes increasingly uncomfortable......

 I've been writing a lot about the need to "proceed with great caution" when trying to get back to some kind of normality. And today has been a good example of why.


Once again I've had a couple of days where I've started to feel that confidence and self belief are returning.


It was another restless night that saw me wide awake and downstairs by 4am. And I already felt uneasy and "under pressure" for no apparent reason.

I read. I routinely scroll through my bloody phone. I listen to an audio book. And again I find some sleep in the armchair.


But it's not anything like quality sleep.

And I eventually take myself back to bed about 7am . 

I'm awakened when Faith gets up and still feel that unpleasant sense of impending doom I had in the small hours.


I accept that today is going to be a day where for no apparent reason my anxiety levels are going to make the day unpleasant. I hate being referred to as "fragile" . But I suppose it's apt so if the cap fits wear it!


I take a Propranolol and get on with the day in hand. But everything I do. Every decision I take is duly considered and deliberated before execution. It can make for a slow day and certainly a very bloody annoying one for Faith. I am so grateful for her patience with me. And I am feeling like a doddering old man more each day as this goes on.



Also the fact that you begin to redevelop the layers of confidence in yourself brings with it a cycle of fear that has to be broken at some point.


As self confidence grows in me it brings with it accusations of being a fraud. If I'm feeling this good why aren't I at work? Why can't I lead a normal everyday life? You can start to distrust the very part of you that is doing all it can to be rational and protect you. 

There are very few things worse for a person going through depression and anxiety than attempting to call themselves out as a cheat or fraud. I'm currently constantly asking questions of myself and having to be brutally honest in my self dialogue. Look at what you've been through. Repeatedly recall just what it's done to my thought processes. The times the smallest of events have caused me confusion and panic. How many minefields have been laid? 


This is a process that is repeated dozens of times each day. 


When our mail is delivered, I might make conversation but it's forced. I really feel I'm being judged for not being at work. Four years ago when I experienced my worst episode, I would actually hide behind curtains or doors when they came. 


This stuff really does mess you up and nobody sees it. So where we may be treading lightly others will inadvertently storm in like a tank and totally unsettle the calmness by which we need to exist...to recover.


I just remind myself. One step at a time..... And I am so grateful for the support I have..... But I can say I AM GETTING THERE!


Please be kind.


Pete x

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