Living and working with anxiety and depression 8th December 2021 Day 49 The one where I put off to tomorrow what I could do today....

 After all my hyperbole of yesterday it would appear that my concerns were justified.... Yes I managed to go for petrol and went to collect my prescription although that has been lost in their system so I need to return tomorrow. But that was it.. 

The rest of the day passed by in a pleasantly chilled vibe. Strangely for some reason I fell into a relaxed mood where for the most part I sat in a chair and either read a book or dozed off. Also something was starting to shift in me and I started to write down plans for not only the near future but further ahead.

Plans that not only include returning to postie work but ways in which this whole battle against the Stigma of mental ill health can be continued once I'm back to full strength. 

If I'd been sat doing nothing but stare through the window, then today would have been a dangerously dark day and a waste of time. But my mind has become alive once more.

I spent time doing something I've been unable to do for weeks. Look to the future with positivity. 

Anxiety has always been a big part of my personality. But the levels I was experiencing back in that week in October leading up to the day it all went bad, suddenly became less controllable. Something I'd not experienced before. Previously Anxiety always entered behind depression. But on this occasion anxiety is definitely kicking the door in and firing from the hip.

And that caught me unawares and helpless. The usual sequence of emotions wasn't followed and I was therefore floundering. Resulting in a total loss of control.

I now feel able to make tentatively measured steps forward.... This way I retain control and awareness......

When we are in this place there can be a heightened fear of failure. One wrong step. Biting off more than can be chewed. Can and will lead to a loss of growing confidence and with that comes self doubt. On the back of which follows our old friend Depression.

So the risk is high . A lot of ground has been made but it has to be consolidated before moving forward again.. And that holding period is difficult for us to live in. 

We want to engage more fully. We want people to see we are doing well. Indeed we want to live our life again. And many including myself have in the past rushed at full tilt towards the world once again. Only to spend weeks, months or even years suppressing feelings of inadequacy and fear brought on by not actually having been ready to fully reintegrate.

I apologise if this part of the process reads as repetitive and inconsequential but I'm trying to describe what it's like for those of us who live this way. 

However I am feeling damned positive. And anyone who shares this journey with me should do so as well. 

We've travelled a rocky uphill route to get here. And whilst we hope the descent is smooth we know it will be long and gradual.

I continue to be in a relatively good place from which I can choose my challenges.

And that I will do!

I'm remain forever grateful to everyone from my employer for their patience and assistance to people who have sent me kind messages including the USAF veteran who blew me away with their kind words. And all those in the middle. 

I promise I will keep fighting to defeat the Stigma . 

Just give me your voices now and again. Thank you.

Be kind 

Pete x