Living and working with anxiety and depression 14th and 15th December 2021 Day 55 & 56 The one where I finally go out, out. Alone... And I explore how bullying words and actions can have far reaching effects on people..

 To reflect on these past couple of days tells me that levels of normality seem to be returning at last. 

Instead of feeling safe and secure being at home I'm actually getting bored!  This is very good news.  

When someone experiencing a recovery from a bout of severe anxiety and deep depression, begins to feel bored because they want to fill their day more actively it means they have started to desire more from life. 

They feel able to take more on but find themselves briefly caught in-between the two states of mind.

But instead of being afraid to move forward or feeling that it will be too much, suddenly they sense that forward motion is possible.

The past two days have seen me arrive at this juncture. 

The doubt and fear are suitably diminished to a point where they no longer have control. The sense of freedom is a much needed boost to the confidence of an individual who has spent weeks and months unable to look beyond their own front garden.

Yesterday this came out in creativity once again as I attempt to turn a log into a Hedgehog shaped fruit bowl. Yes. By hand. 

I did an eight hour day in Crafty Pete's Woodshed yesterday and rarely felt that sense of merely keeping my mind distracted and busy.  However at 3am this morning sat upright downstairs with my back telling me I'd done too much I admittedly felt a little regret.

Today I have counselling supervision scheduled for 1.30pm . So instead of this playing on my mind I decided to turn it into an opportunity. I would smash the self imposed restrictions that make me a prisoner in my own home.

Now I am fully aware that the mundanity of my ensuing actions might appear ridiculous to some who are unaware of the effects of this illness and how it robs us of our identity.

But I elected to take a trip to a DIY store in town before going to supervision. 

Those who have experienced this self imprisonment for any period of time, will recognise the sense of trepidation mixed with freedom that I experienced just leaving the confines of the small bubble of safety I have existed in for over three weeks now .

Driving down the bypass seeing the surrounding countryside and crossing the river Severn , all things I've done thousands upon thousands of times before.

Every action and reaction feels new in these first few minutes. But then once in traffic and using my subconscious intelligence as we all do to carry out the every day repetitive tasks such as changing gear, indicating, acknowledging others, manoeuvring and the countless other computations both associated with driving or any other aspects of our normal life. It's then that we unconsciously slip into our learned normal behaviour.

We are again comfortable with all that goes on around us.

Two hours later and without thoughts of the headspace my personality has been in recently, I'm heading home after supervision and feeling more like me than I have for weeks.

At this point in my day I'm ready to congratulate myself on my hard earned victory over the the negativity that has plagued me in recent weeks.

I am definitely on the mend and starting to look for the home straight........

But then.... Out of nowhere a sense of discomfort visits me. And hard as I try I cannot shake it off.

I carry out the now regular self assessment and become aware that my anxiety has definitely been triggered. By what I don't know. How damaging it will be... Again I don't know..

I continue with my day keeping a watchful mind's eye on my sense of growing tension. But by 9pm I'm taking my second propranolol in an attempt to take some control back. This is disappointing to me. And if I'm honest a knock to my confidence.

By 10pm I've become edgy. Snappy. Short tempered. My chest is pounding a little more than normal so anxiety has definitely got a foothold somewhere in my character. 

This is not a good end to the day.

WTF has happened to me in the past few hours. 

I was doing so well. I felt so good.

Maybe it's something that has remained unsaid to date but that is becoming a running sore between my wife and I.

The damage done by the careless and bullying behaviour of people around me and towards me on that day has caused such a chain of reactions to my world it has shaken the foundations of both myself and my wife. Since my "meltdown" I have been functioning as a very different person. Needy, fearful, tearful, angry lacking in confidence and indecisive to give a general description. 

The effect of someone behaving as a different person in the life of another, in this case me in that of my beautiful wife Faith can and has only too often led to painful endings to relationships regardless of their longevity.

Faith and I have been together over thirty years and have experienced countless ups and downs in those years and we are proud to say that nothing has broken us. 

But we admit to each other that this episode is bringing with it more of a challenge to our relationship than much of what we've seen to date.

My disposition has caused too much pain and displacement to Faith. And she has fought this battle with me, for me and always lastly for herself far too many times in the past. We are both weary and both more than a little concerned at the damage being done to ourselves now as a result of the events of that day. 

This therefore adds to the pressures that we put ourselves under and results in the two characters in the game, treading around each other never wanting to say or do the wrong thing that will tip the other over the edge and create conflict. Treading on eggshells is not a healthy pastime for a relationship. And it's really hurting us both.

Other aspects of a warm loving relationship become challenged over time as medications take their toll on intimacy and health or counselling work creates greater awareness leading to changes in personalities.

Faith and I will most definitely win through with some new battle scars and tales to learn from. And I hasten to add that more personal information has been included at the instruction of my good lady.. And those who know us well enough will know we won't fail each other. Ever! But many other relationships do not win through these horrendous scenarios that effect us on all levels of our consciousness. And there's often no one person to blame in the relationship but external pressures.

I apologise for the sudden seriousness to end what appeared to be a good positive day. 

But that is how it happens. This is what occurs in the lives of people who live with this shit.

It's important that in this blog where I try to be as open and honest about life for the good of others, that I include the elephants in the rooms as well as the warts and bruises that lurk in the shadows. 

We go to bed knowing that a good day also brings with it problems to overcome. We are so grateful to have each other. We just want to start enjoying each other again.

As for the world. It can bloody well wait !

Be good. Live life, love life as well as others and never be afraid to reach out for help.

Peace and love.

Pete x