Living and working with anxiety and depression 13th December 2021 Day 54 The one where a new friendship is confirmed.... And things inexplicably go downhill..

 Today got off to an absolutely wonderful start. I slept really well and woke up and was able to stretch without pain. Then getting out of bed I realised that I was in far less pain than last night. I went downstairs full of ideas and plans for not only the day ahead but the future.... Old me was back in the room. 

I committed some of this to paper whilst I awaited a visit from another friend who has become a very special person to me.

It was easy for me to once again converse with someone who was here because they cared and wanted to know I was on the mend. It was another important step for me.

Talking openly and just being normal.

But I still haven't gone anywhere alone. This I have to correct before some form of agoraphobia takes hold.

The plans I'd set my mind on yesterday we're still ahead of me but when I returned to being on my own something came over me and I instantly knew that today was not going to be such a good day as it had promised.

I'm still trying to work out what the hell happened to me, but everything just disappeared the moment I was alone. 

I felt "sad", lethargic and lacking of any motivation.

It's a hell of a way to fall after such a promising start. 

So when you are working with your awareness radar constantly on you immediately take steps to prevent a full scale downward slide. You make sure you've landed on as small a snake as possible and monitor your mood and reactions.

Ok so I had "out of nowhere" taken an unexpected hit.  At the point in time that it's occurring it's no good trying to work out why. But instead it's about doing what's needed to slow down the fall and bring it under control. The task in hand has now become very internalised and solitary. 

I'm aware that I've already started to feel guilty for not continuing with the momentum I had earlier. I'm being hard on myself and words like FAILED. BAD. WRONG. LAZY and EMPTY. Are returning to my mind. 

Whatever I've gained in the last few days of positivity is now being very quickly eroded like in a film when someone disappears out of a photo because something in their timeline changed and they never actually existed.

It's at this point that we are "drifting". And if the negative persona is allowed too much ground too quickly then the battle will have to be fought all over again. And by the umpteenth battle you are getting tired of fighting.

You have to summon up what you have left before it's too weakened and make decisions to stem the flow of negativity.

............ PERMISSION...... is a word I love to share and discuss with clients when working in my Counselling persona.

PERMISSION...... What is it? ......

It's the freedom to grant unhindered, none judged flexibility to someone to do something.

Think about the power of the word and what it does. 

It's a two way thing.

Firstly the granting of PERMISSION is a cleansing, empowering action that brings with it a sense of calmness and humbleness. You are GIVING of something special to another to RECEIVE from you. It's an act of kindness. 

Secondly, to receive this PERMISSION is liberating and revitalising to the individual.

Now if there's only one person in the scenario it becomes even more important and life enhancing.

To give YOURSELF .... PERMISSION...   Is a defining moment in the practice of a persons life. It's choosing to finally be bloody well KIND to OURSELVES. And say 

" You know what ... I'm gonna stop beating myself up and give myself a f*kin rest!"

It can be the single most important act of kindness anyone can ever experience. And it is NOT selfish. Because others will benefit. It allows you to remain in control. It slows everything down. Like entering the Matrix. So long as it is done to seek a positive outcome, the power of Self-PERMISSION is amazing. It allows you to reflect and recharge. To collect thoughts and make sense of them.... It motivates..

So .... Getting back to my story . I elected to give myself permission to do "Sod all" today. Not to be lazy but to undertake to be kind to myself. Not to put myself under any time constraints or pressures. But just to BE.

Whilst in my current situation this is obviously easier that racing down the outside lane if the M1 knowing that you're already 30 minutes late for a meeting. But even then the power of SELF-PERMISSION can be used. 

Often we put blame on circumstances or others for stresses that we feel. But in many situations we create our own stress symptoms by reacting to the anxiety and irrationality manifested in our defence mechanisms.

Today I gave myself PERMISSION to not do the things I'd planned. Now the difference is I've excercised controls over the decision not to do something. There's conditions I've contracted with myself to adhere to. Unlike when an individual surrenders all control and decision making to the aimlessness that comes with negativity, by putting controls in place I can reward myself with freedom of thought knowing I'm recharging and working towards a new amended schedule at a later date..... And IT'S OK!

Yes I admit that because of my deep rooted personality traits I carried a small sense of guilt in the back of my mind for the rest of the day. But it was outweighed by the rationality of what I had done and I was CONFIDENT in the choice I had made ....

This worked for me today as it does for many people who begin to trust in themselves once more. However, there is a process to learn. To insert into the daily bank of reactions that we carry logged into our psyche. 

I continue to help so many people. But for once I'm learning a really important lesson about myself by employing what others do to survive.

I finish my day not feeling guilty but actually tired again. Maybe all this recovery stuff is as knackering as people say. It's certainly becoming very bloody cerebral. 

Be nice and believe in yourself.

Pete x