Living and working with anxiety and depression 2nd December 2021 Day 43The one where I get back to taking things a day at a time..... And Metallica revisit with friends...

When those of us who live with these disorders get to this juncture in our "journey" it can be a bit like watching a small bird in the garden.
Their head never seems to stop checking around them.
As if a million traps have been laid between them and the food lying on the garden.

Then tentatively they will decide to make a move towards but not directly to the target. Then once in a new position they repeat the process again. And again. Until they reach the food.
Once there one of two things occur.
Either they spend time feasting whilst constantly checking around them.
Or they will take a morsel or two very quickly and fly off.
Only to return and go through the whole pattern of behaviour again.
It's about survival and security.

I have now ebbed and flowed more times than I can currently recall. And while I am extremely grateful that "so far" I have not slipped back to where I found myself in 2017/18, I have never experienced such up and down mood swings as I seem to be doing now.

Questions raise themselves in my mind....

A)How much of my descent into misery of the last few days was attributable to me messing with my meds?

B) Ever since I had Testicular cancer in 2011 I have to receive regular testosterone injections. This will continue apparently for the rest of my life. And I can honestly say that having experienced on a few occasions the effects of a very low testosterone count, I can only refer to it after a doctors explanation as joining the sisterhood.
The mood swings can be horrendous and at times it's possible for Faith to know when my next jab is due merely by observing my behaviour.
Now if you add to the mix a persons MH issues, in my case severe anxiety and depression, and the fact I'm in week nine of ten when my injection is due .... Does this have any baring upon my state of mind when vulnerable?

C) Will I ever be able to come off the anti depressants I've now been on for four years?

In my Counselling work I belong to the tribe who feel that the pharmaceutical industries are making profits off the back of people experiencing MH issues being prescribed medication instead of the deep seated psychological root cause being addressed with a more holistic and human approach.
I believe in asking "How are you? What is your story?" Not "Which box do you fit? Here's some drugs."
However this said I do not reject them wholeheartedly. I think there is a place for them in planned and formally policed dosage over a period of time that actively seeks to reduce and cease rather than get lost somewhere in a system.

To this end I see medication for such illnesses as I experience from time to time as an enabler which combined with the utilisation of talking therapy will bring about positive and constructive changes for the individual. From which they will develop self confidence and belief out of which they can make decisions based upon the rationale of their present situation. This hopefully would include the self dialogue of " Now I want to plan coming off my meds"

This said some of us never seem able to let go of that comfy blanket. And whether it is psychosomatic or truly beneficial, those like myself cannot find it in themselves to stop. It becomes a dependency. Just to be sure. Just in case.

Hence up to six weeks ago I was still taking 20mg of Fluoxetine, a Prozac based drug, every morning. Then as per my discussions with doctors. In times of need I increase my dosage to 40mg and also employ the use of Propranolol a beta blocker type of medication. On this my latest episode I may have just learned that actually I still have a need for them without question!

The whole aforementioned scenario and much worse is played out by millions of people every day. I am just a single example..........

Anyway moving on....

Today was another good day for me. I ventured out alone again to return all the stock etc.. from Sundays market to its storage. Which although a five minute drive away still felt kind of unsettling as I was alone. Then once more I wrapped up against the cold and allowed my creativity to flow with the timber that has both been my rescuer as well as my nemesis at times.
I needed something to get me started and so turned to the driving force of Metallica once again to get my creativity fired up.... I hope my neighbours are enjoying them as much as I am. After a while I change gear to some vintage Whitesnake and "Live in the heart of the city"...

My hobby takes me away somewhere free of my illness. Free of my worries. Free of constraints. I have found a safe almost hypnotic place to go regardless of the cold or external pressures. This like my Counselling work transcends normality and takes me to some kind of higher place. For others it can be walking or running. Some find reading to be their rescuer. Or the many other ways in which those of us who go through this stuff can find an outlet. A release valve for our mind.

Today has been a good day. But I'm checking around looking for signs, fearful of an Intruder. Making sure that the goal is still there for me. But taking great care how I get to it. And certainly not rushing blindly towards it.
The next time you see that bird in your garden please think of us......

Take care of each other please.

Pete x