Living and working with anxiety and depression 9th December 2021 Day 50 The one where I have a call from the doctor...... and have a worrying morning.

 I received a scheduled call from my doctor this morning. That's all it was . Just a check in and review regarding my health and possible return to work or not. But my anxiety levels have been rising since yesterday at the thought of the call. For totally irrational reasons it has taken on a big threatening life of its own. That's anxiety.

Now, last time I spoke to him I confidently accepted the "sick note"  commenting that it would be doubtful I'd need the full four weeks he'd given me and that I'd probably be on a phased return to work by then.

This morning in our open and honest conversation it felt a little embarrassing for me to explain how things hadn't gone to plan and ask for more time away from the day job.

But in the cold light of day that's the fact of it and I need to ensure I use the time to repair.

However, this didn't get off to a very good start as I remained in my chair reflecting on my "failure" to achieve my goal of returning to work before Christmas. Faith was out so I was home alone...... I could feel the finger tips of sadness and guilt as they began to encroach on my newly found sense of positivity. And for three hours I sat in silence as internally I battled my demons, refusing to give way to the dark. "Not again Pete... Don't slip again." 

Being alone was proving a little dangerous whilst in this wrong mindset.

Then my phone went off and I could see that it was the first person who contacted me when this all started. The colleague who has become a true friend who checks in with me regularly and someone I would now trust with all that is my world.

I also know that they are quite seriously unwell, and have still bothered to call me. For this level of investment in me I will be eternally grateful to them.

As we start to talk Faith returns home and my silent world becomes busy with the input of two people awakening me from my reflections. And flippin' grateful I am that they do. It was getting a bit sticky in there.

An hour later I'm in a different more productive place mentally. I pay another more successful visit to the pharmacy and amaze myself by then buying ........  Christmas cards....

Later we take a short trip to Tenbury where some special friends have a stall at a Christmas market. It was lovely to see them because regardless of my frame of mind these two will always give me reason to smile. These also are people that share my journey and I am honoured to have in my life from now on hopefully.

On returning home my mood is even lighter and I change and go to my world of Woodiness in the garage for a couple of hours. 

To look back over the day. 

This morning wasn't wasted but was a bit of a skirmish with negativity rather than a full on battle. 

That tells me my awareness was switched on.

I snapped out of my morose mood on recieving the call from a friend.

Tells me I'm more in control now and I don't disappear down dark tunnels so easily now 

I'm still on the up. Although I still haven't ventured further that the pharmacy alone in over two weeks. This is very much of concern now. But I'll beat it . This I know!

Tomorrow Faith heads to North Wales for the ritual known as "choosing the daughters wedding dress"... Oh and to bring home a new car kindly passed on to us from our lovely daughter.

So I have a test ahead. 

Over twenty four hours in my own company. Alone. 

I'm finding this daunting but also necessary in a number of ways. 

Time will tell......

I sincerely hope that those of you who are engaging with my blogs are developing a better understanding of the behaviour and thought processes of those of us who suffer with issues around mental ill health.

If you are a fellow sufferer you have my deepest empathy at all times. And I hope I am helping you is some small way to view your experiences as one of many and not alone.

If you are a fellow psychotherapist/counsellor who has been lucky to have never suffered yourself. I hope my openness and honesty are a help to your understanding.

Please it would be nice to hear from more of you.  Readers from all walks of life are contacting me. So get in touch with me in any of the ways possible for you. I'd appreciate your feedback if nothing else.

Lastly if you are one of those I've started calling "my team" I want you to know, whichever one you are, that I love you and I'm so grateful to have you in my life. It's been scary but you've all been here for me I'm no where near out of the woods yet but.... THANK YOU!

Please always consider before reacting.. It makes for a happier world.

Take care

Pete x