Living and working with anxiety and depression 30th December 2021 Day 70 The one where I start to plan a return to work....


I choose "currently" to see the fact that I'm writing about being a counsellor dealing with my own Mental Health issues, (see yesterday) as an indication that my days are becoming more normal.
I'm engaging with more people.
I'm making decisions.
I'm putting myself into "everyday" situations.
I feel more in control.

This morning took me way out of my comfort zone as I found myself in a walled garden surrounded by forest helping a friend tidy up and prepare for the oncoming Spring. It may have only been a couple of hours but it felt good. Also given the date it really has been unseasonably mild.

I took a call from a potentially new counselling client and my activities segued nicely into a visit to a Counselling friend half an hour away.

It's been an enjoyable day with more goals ticked off on my list of recovery steps.

However as we approach the end of the week I can feel that my imminent return to my day job, pending a conversation with my doctor, is bringing with it a very uncomfortable sense of dread and fear.

I actually fear, from the workplace, the very things that I am confident of fighting in the more public domain.
Whereas I'm able to put myself out there to talk and discuss Mental Health.
Considering I've put myself in a vulnerable position regarding my private and public life.
I am finding my ability to return to the very place where I was seen to "crumble" so easily extremely difficult. It's all feeling very raw once again. I thought I was in a stronger place than this. I'm afraid of being challenged and judged.

Tomorrow brings us to New Year's Eve and a new year lies ahead at the weekend.
I'd be lying if I were to say I'm not afraid of taking this illness into 2022 with me. But as I've said previously I need to accept that I am a different person to whom I've been trying to be for so long. My vulnerabilities exist and are a part of me. I've carried them since at least 1969 if not from birth.

I'm feeling old these days. I hurt inside and out. I catch my reflections from time to time and don't instantly recognise the doddery old git I see. I can be uncertain and irritable if not bloody well annoying to those around me.
My mortality raises questions I don't want to address.

Yet anyone who knows me would more than likely describe me as easy going and funny.
I sense my shadow will be more visible as I return to normality this time .

All of this and more exists in the minds of all of us. Some choose to close it down as they "don't do" emotional reflection. Others just let it go, at peace with their choices. Many have it all swirling around the mists of their consciousness 24/7 whilst they exist in the mundanity of getting from A to B to C and beyond.
Therefore the fall out varies from person to person. Because we are all individuals. With our unique flaws.
This is why there has to be a greater understanding of Mental Health across society as a whole.

Look after each other and be kind.

Pete x

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