Living and working with anxiety and depression 16th December 2021 Day 57 The one where I have a hiccup... And feel anger again...

 In yesterday's post I tried to highlight the stresses and strains that Mental "ill" Health can bring to relationships. I will not proceed too far in the direction I was taking as I have to admit that I currently find it too personal and raw to disclose fully. However I think it necessary to shine a light on these areas as it's never just the individual who suffers. We as a loving couple of over thirty years are experiencing pressures brought on by anxiety and depression. And it's uncomfortable and very rare for us. But this is a common issue in many families and relationships. And any further reference to it will be in a general manner and not personalised. It's tough. Those if us experiencing it know it. Those who haven't please prepare for such things.

So it's fair to say that although I'm aware of great improvements in my recovery I also know that things are a long way from being ok . Especially when as many couples know, if things aren't right at home, things are not right in a depressed and anxious relationship. Either individually or as a team.

My mind has drifted in the past couple of days . In fact I can honestly say that where as I have previously experienced repeated mood swings and erratic behaviour combined with self defeating thought processes over extended periods or even of days. We both seem to be on one hell of an emotional rollercoaster throughout each day. Hour by feckin hour! It's tiring and creates it's own atmospheres.

But I am pleased to say that apart from a few hours late on today I have not been dragged too far down as I have been previously. Which again makes me hopeful that I've reached a good place to build from. However it was a worrying few hours today and I need to explore why. What's come back to play on my mind and unsettle my recently regained optimism.

Firstly yesterday I had a missed call from work. To which I've not yet responded. It has spooked me. Yes I know it's irrational. And no pressure is being brought to bare. But the attempted connection between a manager and myself has reminded me of the workplace and the incidents that put me where I am.

So having mentioned these two processes let's look at their effects.

The missed call has heightened my feelings of weakness and failure. It's reminded me as if it were needed that at this exceptionally busy time of year I'm not a part of the team. I'm letting my employer and my colleagues down badly... That's the first sensation I feel.

Then whilst dealing with these aforementioned thoughts it's agreed that we shall attempt to get Christmassy to a small degree and go in hunt of a Xmas tree. 

We visit a local garden centre that has become a part of our Christmas routine. But on arrival I'm reminded of how much I was enjoying Christmas this time last year. But that I've somehow allowed the events back in October to grow so big in my mind that this year has been more or less destroyed before it's started. We have a Granddaughter and four young

step-grandaughters. Christmas has become a wonderful time for us all.

As these thoughts began to run uncontrollably around my head I sense a feeling of immense anger aimed at those who have done this to us. 

Those who are incapable of thought and consideration before opening their mouths. They have hurt me and damaged me psychologically, from which I am attempting to recover to a level where not only can I rejoin the workforce asap but also not feel  threatened nor angry in the presence of these individuals. 

My input to buying the Christmas tree is minimal as is the tree for a change and neither of us are bothered to buy any additional decorations. Apart from the annual decoration we buy for our two year old granddaughter. 

Faith wants to treat us to a nice lunch while we're out. So we go to a pub where our conversation is again minimal as I wrestle with the frustrating internal dialogues pecking away at my consciousness. It's extremely rude of me so I feel guilty which adds to the general melaise and silent tensions. 

Once home the tree is left in the garden for deployment tomorrow. I take a seat and another quiet eggshell dodging evening plays out.

My anxiety has played a large part in my discomfort today. It has manifested in unpleasant ways that are damaging to all involved. I am now on maximum dosage of Propranolol each day.

And so that negative duo of Anxiety and Depression combined once again to take me on.

My anxiety today has made me sad, angry, morose and basically confused. And as I've described before, this opens the door just enough for the ever present beast of depression to get it's foot in the gap. 

This in turn sent me to the downward spiral I work so bloody hard to keep away from. 

To keep a hold of something positive I do feel that I at least have some control. I've not nose dived as I have on previous occasions. 

For now this is what I will cling to... 

Please be aware that these emotions and thoughts are played out in the heads and lives of people who you know. People who you don't know. And loved ones. Often without even showing the slightest sign of anything being wrong. 

I disclose my battles to bring these people to the attention of the many.

Your words and actions can be a great help to others as well as having the power to wound them. 

Be kind 

Pete x