Living and working with anxiety and depression 7th December 2021 Day 48The one where we I begin feeling almost normal.... But then realise I still ain't bin anywhere yet!

 Warning.... May contain upbeat and positive observations. For a change!

Today feels as though it's the nearest I've had to what would be considered normal since I fell on October 20th.

Admittedly I've been in the world of wood most of the day. But I've not felt any real pull towards the sad or morose side of my personality.

So another first for me as I continue my climb out of the misery I've been in for so long.

But as I've explained before this is not a time to celebrate and jump back into the world.

It isn't a broken limb that now is fully functional and with some physical aftercare will be strong again.

I have been taking tiny steps in a very slow process of recovery. At the moment my mind is telling me that I'm feeling easier with myself and less under threat. This has led to a small but essential increase in my confidence. Which means I can now consider more demanding challenges. Little by little. 

I still haven't been able to leave the house on my own resulting in a list of things I've been putting off that really need to be done. 

I feel so uncomfortable at the thought of going out and doing what I once considered normal everyday things.

My Tasks ToDo list ......

Prescription to collect.

Petrol to buy.

Still not collected toys for Granddaughter.

Christmas cards to buy.

Hearing aids to get repaired.

Doctors appointment.

Testosterone injection to have.

Plus any variables that will occur.

All these in the next three days.

I also have more long term plans I need to work on regarding how best to continue the fight against Mental Health Stigma once I'm fully recovered.

People have contacted me with great ideas I've promised to investigate when I'm well enough. And I have exciting ideas of my own to give due consideration to 

I have to admit that just writing the above list has increased my anxiety levels noticeably. I should be able to do all of these menial tasks without hesitation and in one day if I choose to.

But each one comes with its own amount of fear that seeks to undermine my building confidence.

I don't know how successful I will be until I try it.

It's my granddaughter's second birthday next week and I so want our visit to North Wales to see me more engaging than our last . So if I take on these challenges my self confidence will hopefully be in a better place and therefore my personality may begin to reconnect. It would be nice if I could bring this about in time for her birthday. 

Please note how everything I either do or plan to do has become almost meticulously planned to the enth detail.

This is what we do to get back to the world. So our behaviour can at times appear out of the ordinary. ..... That's because it's out of your ordinary but is actually within our ordinary. 

I am at a stage in the recovery process where the goal is in sight and I hope to get there without collecting too many more scars. 

In this situation WE do whatever WE have to do to gain a good foothold before taking the next step. 

Whilst dealing with all this we're also living our lives as best we can. And trying to be present for those that share our bubble. 

We are in every walk of life. 

I am not in any way offering excuses for myself or the millions of people who suffer in so many ways with mental health problems. We shouldn't need to give excuses anyway. 

What I'm trying to do is paint a picture in the simplest of terms as to what it is like functioning whilst living with a mind that has become disconnected is some way and the recovery processes involved. 

I sincerely hope I am managing to do this.

Be kind.

Pete x