Living and working with anxiety and depression 18th December 2021 Day 59 The one where I fall under the demon Lilith's spell and wake up......

 It's an early rise to set off to North Wales for Lilith's 2nd birthday . Due to my back pain my breakfast consists of two antidepressants, a beta blocker and two strong pain killers. The effect is that I'm drowsy before we leave home.  

I'm still showing the negative effects of yesterday's proceedings in my snappiness so conversation is minimal even though Faith attempts on more than one occasion to lighten the journey.


To continue to detail personal events of the day would be to focus on trivialities of us as a couple. 


But I am highlighting the strains relationships go through when subjected to these sorts of external pressures triggered by anxiety and depression.

Two people who mean the world to each other. One who tries to maintain a positive outlook even to their own detriment and the other who does not deal at all well with the intermittent loss of control that is occurring to them.


The organic joy and happiness disappeares and gets replaced by two people working hard to regain it. Not as a team but as misfiring individuals. Trying to achieve the same goal but in different ways.


There is a sense of loss that permeates the usually warm loving relationship. 

Loss is never only about the death of a close friend or relative. Loss and grief is experienced when something that is usually an important part of the very fabric of someone's every day life is either changed in some way or no longer present. 


I've had the honour of working with many counselling clients, who when they allow themselves to understand this instead of denying it, are able to make big inroads to their self awareness.


If we take our hypothetical couple who both want to make things work again but because of a current inability to talk and work together at relational depth. They work individually with new and unlearned rules that can give them unachievable expectations. So when one of them feel that their efforts are being ignored or undermined by the other, a very short fuse can be lit. Either within the person or externally visible, then either way friction occurs.


Each time this happens it makes it more difficult to overcome the barriers that have developed.


It is therefore worth remembering something I've previously mentioned. And that is the three basic ego states we all possess. Parent. Adult and Child. 

If we can learn to remain in the adult state as often as possible, then communication development as well as mutual respect will be given the opportunity to flourish.


Anyway to bring the days entry to a close I am pleased to say that being in the magical presence of Lilith on her second birthday combined with a greater determination within me to not surrender to negative internal dialogues as I did a few weeks ago when visiting her, our special family time together was truly enjoyable and has definitely given me a feel for Christmas next week. 


Take care everyone and never be afraid to show respect to those you love as well as those you don't know.


Pete x


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