22nd October 2021 Day 2

 I've started telling myself that FFS I'm a counsellor. I've got the answers! Which I know is self defeating. But it doesn't go away.

I've completed the GAD & PHQ Questionnaire this morning as I keep some for clients use occasionally. These are what Occy Health go through with you to assess your Mental Health. My scores indicate severe anxiety and moderately severe to severe depression. .So maybe I need to be a little more honest with myself.. But when I am it scares me. Because even at its weakest , depression is a destructive force. So you think living in denial will keep it away. ... IT DOESN'T! In fact the falsehood, being a negative, merely allows the Black Dog room to grow. It feeds on your guilt. On your inability to socialise. It takes your confidence away. Today will be hard. This I know.....

Well it's now evening and to use a well worn term "it's been an absolute emotional rollercoaster of a feckin day” times where I felt almost euphoric were suddenly replaced by a downward slump. Someone returned to my world today who have made a seismic difference for me. But like an anchor chain around my shoulders I just can't reach up and see the way out. Fear seems to be a constant. In fact if I'm honest it probably has been for years. I like many people live with ”Imposter Syndrome" . It doesn't matter how many positive affirmations people give you, they do not stick and you will not believe them. So when your confidence has already been surrendered the lack of self belief just multiplies and destroys any positivity you try to build on. It can be one hell of a fight and today has been such a day. Shit! I want to feel happy and positive. After all I have so much to celebrate. But it will not come. My quietness and lack of interest in life obviously effects those around me. And my wonderful wife is really feeling the pressure of wanting to make me better but being unable to see me even smile in a natural way. You see a smile that is meant can be said to meet the eyes. A smile that doesn't meet the eyes either means distrust or sadness. For your loved ones to see a face of constant sadness causes them their own levels of worry and even anxiety. You then develop another reason to feel guilty as you become even more aware that your moods colour and control those of the people around you. Today I elected NOT to be active and motivated. Even when I received inspiring stories from people who had read these posts . Why? Cos I couldn't be arsed for the main part. So Tomorrow I need to turn it around. ....


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