23rd October 2021 Day 3. (03.44)

 Waking up at silly o'clock seems to be happening now. Then you lie in bed with the nonsensical list of thoughts, fears and failings running around the inside of your head. Getting faster and faster. Preventing you from returning to the innocence of sleep. So I get up, which immediately triggers the feed me complex of both cats, make a cuppa and start today's diary. It's going to be a long flipping day.... 

...... And yes it was but not quite as bad as expected. Which has to be good... 

The strain on our thirty five year bond has begun to show. My pillar of strength is my wife but she can also be my verbal punchbag when things aren't going well. THIS SHIT is putting so much weight on her broad shoulders I can see her beginning to give way beneath it. We often bicker with each other. It's a part of our relationship. But at times like these we begin to snipe at each other out of tiredness and worry. I see her own Mental Health suffering and at times we both feel helpless.... This afternoon she took herself for a walk to clear her head leaving me working in my alter ego of Craftypetes woodshed. Which must be safe it's my therapy working with wood. But after ten minutes and out of nowhere I am hit with an overwhelmingly sensation of emptiness and defeat. It's really bloody scary when this happens. I tried to work through it but no it grows. And I find myself just sat staring at the wall wondering WTF is happening to me.... I text my wonderful carer who I know will quake with worry on reading the message. ”I need a hug xxxx” . .. She's already quickened her pace and us heading home having understood the hidden nuances in those few words .  I am also aware that a valued friend of mine from the world of counselling is due to visit anytime now. All I've got to do is hold on to some reality until one of them arrives.... The two minutes before my breathless wife appears seem to last forever. But she arrives scared shitless at what she might find. She holds me and tries not to burst into tears ... My friend arrives five minutes later and between them I am brought back to the world. This is an episode of life for us currently. And this is life for very many families who have loved ones with Mental Health problems . I cannot ask enough times for anybody and everybody to be more considerate of those around them. Look to your families and your friends. Most importantly LOOK AT YOURSELF. ARE YOU REALLY OK? NEVER fear being open about your mental health. NEVER! It's not being weak to open up. It takes guts believe me. I was lucky today. I don't know where that mood was taking me. But I had help. 


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