Living and working with anxiety and depression 24th November 2021 Day 35 The one where I can't sleep for coughing and I shine a light on those we hurt.....

 It's 3.30am "tomorrow” as I sit writing up today's entry. This damn cough I've had for ages now has once again interrupted our sleep. So I find myself downstairs, wide awake and thinking. Over thinking maybe.

How was my day?.....

I definitely felt the shadow of black dog probing me . It hung around me all day in the near distance. I could sense it trying to find a way in. 

Like plugging leaks in a sea wall, I spent the day in my head checking each of my vulnerabilities. Adding reinforcement where needed. Reassuring myself at each check point that I am able to be rational remain logical and not slip up allowing my already active depression to swell into a flood of negative emotions.

It's been a day where for the most part my mind has been back at the workplace. Back at the scene of events that brought me here. And my wife has been fully aware. Checking on me repeatedly. Her face showing the strain of living with someone like this. She's tired with worry. I sometimes snap back cruelly at the caring repetition of her concerns. A horribly ungrateful response to the one person that is giving all they have in them to keep me afloat.

Those who play this supporting role are absolute unsung heroes. They are at best emotional punch bags. At worst physical ones as all rationality and respect in relationships of all varieties is destroyed in the depths of an individuals personal anger and frustration at not feeling part of the world.

These wives, husbands, brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers, sons and daughters. Loved ones throughout family units and within relationships all bear the brunt of dealing with mental "ill" health of a significant other in their life.

If lucky they find themselves discovering new depths to their personalities. They become calming influences in troubled moments. Or they start to see themselves as useless and unhelpful as they watch their loved one fade away into depression feeling that there is nothing they can do. Then the danger is that they themselves begin to slide into the same patterns of behaviour. Fear brings anxiety and inability to cope brings depression. And then you see a once caring, loving relationship become toxic and soulless. As both or all parties become embroiled in a short tempered dance of just getting by to survive each day.

This all sounds really morbid and dark and whilst my wife, Faith, does struggle with my depressive behaviour we have not found ourselves in such sad circumstances. At least not for more than an odd day here and there when things can become too much.

But so many relationships can and do suffer due to the pressures brought on by mental "ill" health.  

We have a relationship of over thirty years and we've experienced life in very many ways. We've lived and loved and will hopefully continue to do so for a good time yet. But the tests we have been through that have brought strength and connection every time we've succeeded could also have gone the other more destructive route.  As it does for very many others.

I consider myself so lucky and will never be able to fully show my gratitude to her.

It's been cold out today as the belated first frosts and breezes of winter begin. 

Nonetheless with my old enemy watching me, looking for a way in, waiting for an opportunity to revisit me, I find I'm having to tell myself that I need to get into the garage once more and get creative to occupy my mind. To protect my sanity.

A few hours later I've hand crafted six wooden spoons, begun working on a table for a customer, which hasn't gone to plan.(but won't dwell on that) and started a new fruit bowl for someone.

Don't get me wrong. During these creative spells I still have to be fully aware of where my mind is at. And occasionally I catch myself, having stopped working and staring at nothing in particular whilst in my head I am fighting to stay in a good place.

One thing I've noticed with depression is that regardless of any of the tactics you may employ to stay in reality, time certainly does not fly. No days or parts of days seem to pass without recognition. Almost as if time slows down. It helps to be aware of this because of how best to utilise time management. Sensations of good or bad, positive and negative, dark and light will not just pass unnoticed. You are unable to merely think a feeling will just pass as quickly as it appeared. Every feeling, every sensation and every emotion, good and bad linger. How they are greeted and managed depends on the frame of mind of the individual at that very moment.

I closed today on the whole feeling that whilst my mental and emotional strength is still better than it was it has succumbed a little. Things are worrying me again. 

Remember... I tell myself..... Remember, it's one day at a time with baby steps... I will win this.... I promise.

Please consider those around you.

Pete x