21st. October 2021 Day 1

 A strange day.  But I cannot believe the number of messages of support I've had. Plus those from my own network of MH workers who have connected even closer to me. And in particular an angel with whom I am lucky enough to share a very special relationship has stepped in with an instinctive/intuitive reaction on my behalf to alleviate pressure build up. Unfortunately seeing me in this state again is having untold effects upon my amazing wife is who is so so scared as am I of this descending into the dark scary place it has previously. Personally I feel I'm in more control of myself than previous attacks. I don't think I have depression muscling its way in to the scene. Which is actually a suprise. For now. I feel I'm already finding a way out of this albeit in tiny steps. Of course this time round I don't have alcohol playing a role in events. So my head is in a clearer place whenever I try to put things in perspective. Guilt. Yes guilt. That still plays it's part. Guilt for running away from work. For leaving colleagues in the crap because of my weaknesses. Although wrong and negative that's the thought patterns I live with. I took to the woody workshop during the morning only for me to find myself head in arms bending over the workbench crying which came out of nowhere. You see that's what happens. Wave after wave of emotion hits me throughout the day. Sometimes literally not knowing if I'm going to laugh or cry. I'm living in a state of fear and vulnerability. But to underline this one unassailable fact. The support I've received after beginning this diary has been truly overwhelming and I honestly know some GOOD people. Therefore if nothing else. Please take away from this that we ALL know someone who suffers with this shit. Usually in silence until it's too late in some way. Be mindful of those around you. Never be afraid to check in on them. Always think before saying anything. Tomorrow I have a meeting with work to discuss my situation. I'm scared. But I'll be open and honest. After which it'll be another day of diverting my mind away from the edge and towards the safety of what we call normal.


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Living and working with Anxiety and Depression. A personal battle with Mental ILL Health. Sunday 27th February 2022

  WARNING.WILL INCLUDE ADULT CONTENT. When someone travels this route I have found that we become more humble after each episode. As though grateful for another lesson learned. I find myself needing to express my gratitude to anyone that has helped me through it once more. Any individual who has shown understanding and kindness has shown an emotional connection that has helped in the recovery process. Also many of us find that we cut people more slack than we once would have. Basically we learn the hard way to treat others as you wish to be treated yourself. However I don't recommend everyone should go out and get themselves a mental breakdown in some way. But I do advocate a much greater awareness and mindfulness throughout society and business. If someone has a visible injury or illness then quite correctly allowances are made when obstacles of any kind are in the way. But when the illness is not visible it is altogether more difficult to deal with for all parties. If a p...
Read more

4th October 2021 Day 15 The one where I have a good day at last, customers become friends and the word of the day is Cake.

 When in this situation it's a good thing to actually be aware that you're on a downward spiral but you do still have access to the controls. If able , your next step is to make a decision. To apply the brakes or lose control...   Obviously the minute by minute fight within is this very choice.  So today in my case, the brakes were stamped on hard with help from others. (It's rarely possible to carry out this procedure alone).  I get out of bed with actual intent. I know I have an osteopath appointment mid morning and a visit from a wonderful new friend from my post round.  Straight into the woody workshop and some finishing touches done. Then my appointment with manipulation.  I see that the local paper has run a story about how the level of sick leave combined with operational difficulties are conspiring to delay mail deliveries in the area. ... My personal anxiety levels jump from low to high as a result. I'm one of the reasons. I've become a proble...
Read more

10th November 2021 Day 21

 Three weeks have gone since I got tipped over the edge. Three weeks so far, that people, unthinking and uncaring people, have taken away from me.  Three weeks of my wife worrying sick about me whilst she fights to stay above water. Whether I and others was actually bullied, or I'm just being a weary Willy of a bloke matters not. And time will be the judge. Whatever occurred by the actions of others has put me and mine in the frightening situation we find ourselves in now. And yet "they" will have forgotten their actions by now and moved on. Living their normal everyday lives. While the lives of my wife and I have been indelibly marked.  I try to remember at the end of every entry to remind readers to be kind and considerate to others. Not that anyone should need reminding. But alas some do.  I do this in an effort to ensure that if I have written something that seems it's all about me me me. Then that has been inadvertent and the desired effect is to spread awarenes...
Read more