Living and working with anxiety and depression 30th November 2021 Days 41. The one where I give up...and January can't come soon enough.

 Life has started to just pass me by. 

Like the time traveller frozen to a point in time, I watch everything else going on around me. And at no point do I want to stop and explore. 

It feels like an age since I actually went anywhere away from the sanctuary of home on my own. This has obviously now become more of a problem than I thought it would. 

So very kindly Mrs. T. has arranged for me to take one of our cats to the vet tomorrow.

And it's already playing on my mind. Talking to people. Explaining why I'm there. Don't forget my face mask. Where will I park? How much will the loveable yet scabby fur ball cost me? There's a Covid procedure to gaining entry to the vets. Will I get it wrong? And so hence anxiety steps into the spotlight once again.

As previously explained.... Empty minds attract negative consequences.... QED quod erat demonstrandum !

When someone hits one of these periods in their depression it is so very hard on those who share their life. It has a gravity of its own that attracts and corrupts anyone in its reach. 

The reactions of a loved one can inadvertently cut to the quick.

But in actual fact, they are merely able to do the very thing that the sufferer can't . And that is to reject the process of negativity.

An effect of this is that both parties experience self defeating reactions. The one with depression can feel rejected and hurt as they are dismissed in some way as part of the defensive actions of the other person. But this person can now be feeling guilt and sadness at having to appear cruel and uncaring. But also in to the mix add a little anger towards their other half for not trying harder. Or at least not appearing to.

Both people can feel that they just aren't doing enough and become angry at themselves. And the spiral of caring reactions becoming defensive reactions becoming harsh words, becoming arguments becomes the norm.

To negotiate this scenario safely takes time, patience, awareness and love.

I'm pondering a lot on how the hell I can get myself back into the workplace. Sooner rather than later. Christmas is less than four weeks away. I'm letting everyone down. People will be judging me. I'm conscious of another volley of anxiety hitting me as the physical sensation is felt in my chest and shoulders.

And fear reminds me it still has a home in my psyche.

The dreaded topic of Christmas raised its head in conversation today and we've adopted a wait and see approach. Normally it's a big tree and Xmassy bric-a-brac everywhere. But we've decided as neither of us are exactly festive this year we will aim for a minimalist Xmas with none of the usual grandiose. But with the proviso that up to the last minute, this can change.

As I'm writing this a part of me see's that I have become a totally miserable git. I'm lazy and can barely be bothered to move out of my seat all day let alone be active.

And when my more rational persona counters this thought process today, I just see it as excuses and a cop out. I'm now judging myself and with no jury.

Once more I'm not feeling in a very safe place mentally. I've stopped engaging in things I enjoy. I seek nor derive pleasure in anything around me.

Everything has become too much effort. And my world has become very very small and insular . I'm not nice to be around.

My eating has become haphazard and mainly based around crackers, bread, fruit and the occasional delivery. Unless Faith sits me down for a meal. But my appetite is a rule unto itself. 

Likewise my sleep is all over the place. Catching naps here and there during the day attempting to make up for what I've lost in the night.

And yet my professionalism as a psychotherapist is still spot on and at its most productive. I receive check in calls from my professional body out of professional care and concern. I am in contact with my Counselling supervisor regularly and my work is proving not only safe but extremely constructive. I'm actually counselling at my very best currently and at some point I'd like to investigate how this has been the one constant in this whole unfortunate saga.

I would assure anyone reading this who questions my decision to go public and mix the two worlds , that if I was in any way compromised I would close down and refer clients elsewhere at the drop of a hat . However whilst it continues to be possible I want to use this as a tool to reduce the ongoing stigma attached to Mental "ill" Health in its many guises.

I welcome any questions or comments. Hell knows I'd welcome them. They'd constitute actual conversation in some way...

Please take care of each other.

Pete x