Living and working with Anxiety and Depression. A personal battle with Mental ILL Health. Sunday 6th February 2022

 Regarding myself there's no drama's or incidents of note to diarise. But the transition to where I now find myself is ongoing and will be ever changing as weeks go by.

Currently my self awareness is fully charged and running for every waking minute. Yes it's tiring sometimes but it's becoming part of the new me. A part of how I function is to double check my reactions both mentally and physically. Will I leave myself exposed? If so can I take the response? Is the other person capable of listening? Is a situation likely to be a threat to me in any way? Do I feel safe? And many more thoughts of preservation go through my head so many times a day.

My return to the Day Job had developed into quite a scary monster. Especially when the day of my return saw things not go to plan in any way. 

But with excellent support from managers and an excellent Union rep. I found a depth of strength that I thought I'd lost forever. 

As far as me feeling judged by some.... Well the greetings I've received from work colleagues for the most part have been really kind and considerate. Yes a few make it clear that I'm invisible to them. But hey as I've always said..  Those who don't think judge.

My desire for some form of restorative justice for the events and people that effected me so adversely have very much been left to me to decide upon.

However I have had to ask myself if this would be a safe thing for me to become involved in given my new found personal fragility. In my heart I want retribution but in my head I know it could easily have a detrimental effect on me and those close to me. 

Also with the business currently experiencing seismic shifts in work processes and procedures it's unlikely it would be welcomed any more than a fart in a spacesuit.

Sooo.. discretion and valour and all that claims the moral high ground.

Besides revenge is always better served cold .......

So I'm back on my mission to promote awareness of Mental Health. Both in and out of the workplace. Sat around your dinner table or stood in the pub. In the board meeting or on the shop floor. In the supermarket or the library. At a sports venue or music venue. 

There is an overwhelming need for a greater understanding of Mental Health and all of its intracasies.

I am truly honoured that on returning to the Day Job a few people from all levels have felt able to not only engage me in conversation but open up to me about their own stuff. For this I am grateful and long may it continue. 

And I promise that any conversation had with me remains forever confidential.

It tells me that what I've gone through putting my honesty up for judgement and ridicule at my own risk, is working. Of this I am proud. But it's only a start.

One thing I want to get out there is the message that ......

WE ALL HAVE MENTAL HEALTH....MANY SUFFER FROM MENTAL "ILL" HEALTH....

Actual Mental Health is what we all take for granted. Until something goes wrong and psychologically we notice that we are functioning in a way that is less effective and often disruptive to our normal routine.

Then it becomes mental ILL health.

Currently as for centuries, when someone gets to this point the individual more often than not feels the need to try to hide their illness. 

This can be done in a number of ways. But many choose denial. And carry on with daily routines hiding their new irrationality and misconceptions (or in fact their illness) from loved ones, friends and employers alike. 

To do this they have to suppress their true self and develop a false persona as they attempt to fool those around them.  

Regardless of gender although in male dominated environments machismo amongst alpha males drives the need to hide.  

This will all bring with it numerous side effects such as self doubt, frustration, anxiety, fear as well as other negatives to challenge the very existence of who the person really is.

For now I'll leave out the details in order to address one very important burning question.

Just why does anyone actually feel the need to put themselves through any if not all of this dilemma?

The answer lies within our culture, our society and therefore our own self expectations.... STIGMA . Or a.k.a.  "What will people think"

In my next entry I shall address Stigma and its effects...

Be kind

Pete x