Living and working with Anxiety and Depression. A personal battle with Mental ILL Health. Tuesday 8th March 2022

Today it's my birthday.
This week I'm off work again but this time because I'm on holiday.
Yesterday my life took another very positive step forward as Faith and I received our attunements as Reiki masters.
This month so far I have been receiving a totally unsolicited flow of very kind and extremely revitalising positive feedback from people who have either discovered my woodworking or who have choosen me as their Counsellor.
As well as from those who know me.
Also a few very special people have become a part of my life.

This is all such a very long way from that place where I spent September to February as I dealt with another episode of depression and it's friend anxiety.

I cannot express the gravity in these blogs to convey the enormous depth of gratitude I feel towards all those who have put me in this good place I find myself right now.
Please all of you allow yourselves to feel that warm glow of humanity for the role you have played in this.

THANK YOU.

When those of us who suffer find ourselves in this place we thought we'd never find again, we are so bloody scared to let go of everything and allow ourselves to immerse fully in the changes we've made. Again I refer to the timid bird checking around before taking each crumb.
Personally this time I will not let go of the minefield analogy because I will forever now have a protective awareness about me generated by my fear of falling back again. So even now when I feel I want to enjoy life to its fullest I am happy to carry that higher level of caution in me. In order to prevent any triggers being pulled or buttons pressed.

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I recall that when I was training to become a Counsellor I very much became a vocal opponent of medication in the field of Mental Health. Thinking that talking therapy was the best way.
In the past ten years and having done over 600 hours face to face work my attitude towards medication has ebbed and flowed.
Now I believe they should exist together where necessary. The medication can help get the client to the right mindset to be confident enough to work on themselves.

Yes I do agree with many ( Please see Jo Watson's Drop the Disorder PCCS Books 2016) who say that we have become caught up in a pharma led pay off conspiracy whereby the American Psychiatric Association meet every so often to update the ever growing list of Mental Health diagnosis for entry into the DSM (currently no. 5 and published in 2013)
DSM being the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Health disorders. Without which a diagnosis cannot be made.
There is an equivalent version used in the UK called the World Health Organisation's International Classification of Diseases (ICD). So the DSM apparently doesn't particularly effect NHS patients.
But without a diagnosis a drug cannot be prescribed..
The more diagnosis exist the more need for drugs both old and new.

However please forgive the rant. I do sit in a mid way camp whereby so long as the patient is able to excercise control of there situation and is cognitively aware of the effects of any medication then my analogy is with that if a plaster or dressing for a cut finger.

But as I've previously written the individual can fall into a dependency relationship with their prescribed medication as maybe I myself have done.

So where do I stand.... In all honesty these days .....
Step 1 - Can you fight the battle without meds? Without causing pain and disharmony to self and others?
Step 2 - If not then take the diagnostic route but remain as much in control as you can.
Step 3 - Monitor the benefits and drawbacks as you proceed with an awareness that you will stop taking them asap.
Step 4 - Reduce dosage only inline with medical advice and in steps. Never just stop!

If things don't work out as neatly as this just ask yourself "How am I doing. And what role are the meds playing?"

Just be honest with yourself.....

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I am well and truly back to work and it really has been a help making that leap.
But I am different now as I explained. And my earphones are always in whilst at base and I converse with few.
But I'm comfortable by say 7/10 and improving.
I'm aware of triggers and mostly manage to avoid them but sometimes as is to be expected something will get through and my anxiety launches skyward. However to date these are few and far between. And I remain for the most part in control.

My employer is handling me in a seemingly caring and helpful manner for which I will always be grateful.

It scares me when I consider the likelihood of any return of my fault lines.
Those of us with the unfortunate ability to slip unannounced into depression and it's darkness kind of resign ourselves to knowing it will always reappear at some point. I've now learned that it's about being prepared for its arrival whenever that is... And this is tiring for us and difficult for loved ones around you

.........

Anyway I'm going to get on with my birthday now. So I'll be back next week. Please continue to message me and generally keep in touch.
Again I am so grateful to you all. Thank You.

Be kind

Pete x