Living and working with Anxiety and Depression. A personal battle with Mental ILL Health. Tuesday March 22nd 2022

 Hello all and I hope you've had a good week or so.

Yesterday I had a momentary flashback. Totally out of nowhere as if some part of my consciousness had re-awoken. Just a  second of time but it really hit me. 

"How did this happen?"

In a single second the past six months revisited me and left me feeling a little confused. 

I know what I've been through and it was once again bloody scary. And I'm aware I currently find myself in a really good place. But it leaves me connected to feelings of fear and loss.

These return as if to remind me I'm watched and vulnerable even when I feel so well. In that second I was transported back to seriously unpleasant times. 

When the second passed it had physically changed nothing. And my mood was still upbeat and relatively positive. But my day has had a loose end to it throughout. Like having an unanswered question and not actually knowing the question!

In some way I think this momentary event is nothing more than a reminder that I have developed an inbuilt alarm clock just in case I ever forget where I / we are capable of falling to. 

I welcome the intrusion to my day. It's nothing to actually fear. It's my early warning system I didn't know I'd developed. And it's kind of comforting to know it's there.

So as a result of that solitary second in my day I go through my checklist ....

Grounded.

Awareness.

Sensations.

Boundaries.

Connections.

Protection.

Then when all is in place I carry on.

It's important to exist at this heightened level of awareness to prevent any slips backwards. 

Once upon a time it would have been enough to knock me back but I'm pleased to say I seem to have developed this new defence mechanism however tiring it can be.

.............

It's over two weeks now since I reduced my Anti-depressants by half. And whether it's a combination with some feel good life events or a direct result, I've been feeling more than a little upbeat and confident. 

I'm pleased to say that some less desirable side effects are slipping away. BUT? Will I ever come off them completely? This I don't know. It's certainly not been a pleasant experience trying to previously but that was a long time ago. 

What if I'm taking medication when I don't need to be?..... Well it's entirely down to the individual to decide and this chappy says "if it ain't broke don't fix it".

I'm comfortable.

I'm happy.

I'm amenable.

I'm kind.

Maybe one day..... but I won't worry about it now. Because I don't want to "fool around with my chances on the danger line" ( ha name the song).

.........

People. Colleagues. Friends. 

My return to work continues to encourage growth in my confidence. I bloody love my job when I'm just left alone to get on with it.

Returning to the normal day to day routine is proving good for me beyond belief at times. 

However it's a strange world when I can mostly sing the praises of the business for the way I have been and continue to be assisted in my return. Signifying a new improved approach towards mental illness in the workplace.

And yet there are still colleagues who cannot even look me in the eye let alone actually talk to me since my return.

On occasions I feel invisible but whether it be judgementalism or awkwardness I try not to let it bother me too much. After all the problem lies with them and not myself.

.............

The magic of reconnecting with others.

I cannot stress enough the role of camaraderie in rebuilding someone's self confidence and belief. 

Yes most certainly it can be a massive obstacle to overcome and actually crossing the Rubicon to find your new self can feel insurmountable.

But I swear on all that is dear to me it is only a good thing. Do not allow yourself to be defeated by the cognitive distortions and negative irrational beliefs the your ill mind will challenge you with. 

Your illness wants you to feel lonely. Wants you to feel vulnerable. Needs you to feel defeated. Because then like a cancer it will grow and grow until it consumes you completely.

If you treat this as a logical equation then one will always outweigh the other.

But you must fight the illogical processing of thoughts and jump even if you keep your eyes closed.

Because when you land you will be surrounded by people who have experienced the same as you. But in their way. And with their own scars of battle. 

Those who have read previous entries will know that I am proud to say that I am a member of a group called Men's Walking and Talking. OK so this by its name is obviously a male only environment. But for the right reasons. Too many men try to be macho and have been brought up to see talking about your troubles and worries as a weakness. 

I'm here to tell you unequivocally that this attitude is dangerous and accounts for so much of people's mental health issues, but especially in men. 

"Real men don't talk about their shit"

"Real men don't cry"

"Real men don't breakdown"

Are all a fallacy. And phrases either said by the person in denial who has learned to be judgemental in an effort to overcome their problems or by ourselves in our heads over and over again as we judge ourselves through the eyes of others, without even knowing their view. Only serve to wear us down.

I have even been in conversation with a colleague of similar age to myself who has served his country, (as they say) and even served in Ireland. In our conversation it became apparent that he saw it a weakness for a service person to suffer with mental health and be open about it and instead they should just bottle it up and get on with life.....

MWAT and other such groups be they for men, women, mixed or ANY other gender that thankfully most of us now open our eyes to are an actual lifeline for people.

As a Counsellor/Psychotherapist I would recommend such a practice of inclusion to help in many of the issues clients share with me.

Look it's as simple as this..... IT WORKS!

I have been lucky enough to not only have personally benefitted from being a part of my local MWAT but every week I see the benefits it gives to those around me. After an hour's walk someone who I've never met before has become a FRIEND. And this brings with it a sense of value. A sense of belonging. A reawakening of the soul. It plugs you back into the grid and you are communicating again. 

More often than not you will leave that weeks walk with a phone number or other method of contact that you have been told you can use at anytime day or night. 

Your new friends know where you are and what you need and will be there for you. But ultimately the onus is on you to reach out. What I'm now telling you is that .... It's OK. It's safe and the water's warm. Just do it and watch your health improve.

Regardless of the genders involved,.. these groups can at their least be comforting and at their best be actual Life Savers.

So from both a professional and a personal perspective I sincerely recommend these groups to anyone suffering as well as to my fellow Counsellors to add them to your Armoury of tools when helping your clients.

........

That'll do for this week.

Please keep sending me your questions and letting me know your thoughts.

If you're thinking about trying counselling in your life please Google....

National counselling and psychotherapy society 

and 

Counselling directory

Bye for now, take care.

Be kind

Pete x 🙏🙏